I'm A Veterinarian

A bachelorette party showed up at the bar we were at on Saturday night.

One question about bachelorette parties: have you ever come across a bachelorette party in a bar with really attractive women? I never have. Every one I’ve seen is filled with nerdy or unattractive girls drunk of their asses on from their second martini, getting hit on and fondled by the grossest, drunkest guys at the bar.

So naturally my friends and I were all about it.

I hadn’t really started drinking by that point in the night, and the drunkest of the bunch decided to come to talk to me, so I didn’t really feel like dealing with it:

Her: [eyes barely open, spilling her cosmo everywhere] “Hi!”
Me: “Yes indeed. Yes.”
Her: “So why are you not drinking?”
Me: “I have a competition tomorrow, so I really shouldn’t be drinking.”
Her: “What kind of competition?”
Me: “I ride horses. I’m a jockey.”
Her: “Really? I love horses. Where?”
Me: “Like 45 minutes south of here.”
Her: “Where?”
Me: [guessing] “Um, Andover?”
Her: “I know Andover!”
Me: “Yeah, I was married in Andover.”
Her: “Oh, you’re married?”
Me: “Well, divorced.”
Her: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault; it’s mine. I just can’t stay away from those internet porno sites, and she couldn’t take it.”

This surprisingly didn’t scare her away, so for another ten minutes I talked about my marriage, divorce, and love of horses, including the genesis of this life-long affection (”I grew up poor and in the city, and the first time I saw a horse I thought it was just a giant dog. But a beautiful, majestic giant dog.”). Later on, I talked to her sister, and told her sister I was a doctor. Apparently, the two talked about me, and when my discrepancies were brought to light, they confronted me:

Sister 1: “You told Mary you were a doctor, but you told me you worked with horses. Are you lying to us?”
Me: “I would never lie to a woman. I’m both.”
Sister 2: “You mean like a veterinarian?”
Me: “Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.”

Sometimes it’s just really fun to fuck with wasted girls, when you know you have no chance of hooking up with them, because they are just too, too drunk, so much so that it would be borderline illegal.