Drinking Alone, Again

Last night I went over to the local bar and joined two of my friends as well as their family and friends for some beers, which were tasting delicious. I was a little late getting there and shortly most of the people were gone. Then everyone was gone and it was just my friends and I. And then, tired from all that partying or whatever, they too left, just as I had gotten by third beer, a pint of Guinness that tasted like God.

I couldn’t begrudge them for leaving - they did run quite a bit that day - but I was just hitting my stride and wanted to keep drinking. I think that I have a problem: I love getting drunk when I’m not supposed to. I think that beers taste much better on Sunday nights or Tuesday afternoons than they do on Friday and Saturday nights. I have no doubt that the naughtiness of it has something to do with it - while the rest of the world is settling in for the start of their week, I’m pounding pints of Guinness and feeling like a million bucks - but I’m ok with that. Because I’m naughty sometimes.

(Ugh - I just grossed out myself by writing that.)

Of course, I wasn’t going to leave with them and leave my full beer at the bar, but I knew that none of my friends weren’t doing anything last night, so I figured I’d call it quits after that beer - even though it was only just 8pm. Besides, I could have one beer at the bar alone. After all, I’m a grown-ass man, more than capable of and secure enough to enjoy a beer by myself and watch some Sportscenter. I’d have my beer, check out some highlights, then head home. Not a big deal.

FOUR HOURS LATER, the bartender brought me over another of a few free Guinnesses that he treated me to that night, as well as a pint of water, "just in case [I] want it." Friends, I was shitcanned. And alone. And the bartender was bringing my sad, drunk ass water.

I’ve never before been brought water by a bartender when I didn’t ask for it, so I can only guess that "just in case you want it" really means, "You’re bombed and making me sad, because I’ve been listening to you beg every person in your phone book to come out and drink with you and have been watching send about 500 text messages, I assume imploring the same. Drink this water so you’re not too hungover tomorrow and then get the fuck out of here. Christ."

Taking the water offering as my cue, I stumbled home and passed the fuck out, not before sending a few more last-minute text messages, asking anyone - anyone - if they wanted to have a drink. But by now it was just after midnight and my lame ass friends were not interested. I contemplated taking the plunge and going to this other bar in the area, but I was too tired. Also, I didn’t have the cash on me.

At 5am, I woke up because the heat was coming out of my radiator so angrily that it felt like my condo was on fire. I was covered in sweat, which for about four half-conscious minutes I thought was piss, before realizing that my hair was matted down and knowing that there was very little chance I could piss all over my head. This latest heat explosion was the worst ever and there is a very decent chance that as I write this my condo is, in fact, burning to the ground. Because something ain’t right with that heater. I had sweat so much that this morning that I took all my sheets off and threw them in the washer - and it’s not even that time of year!

(Ladies, again, I’m single and coming to a city near you.)

Anyway, long and short of it is that I’m a defeated man today. No one to drink with last night, got bombed by myself. Took comfort in that at least I’d get a decent night’s sleep, but was woken up by my own sweat and couldn’t fall back asleep. Been trying all day to tell you about it, but am so tired that I’m practically slapping my hands on the keyboard and ian sfp9qhi”’oN inndpgoij i’s.

And the moral is that I need new friends here. Just a piss-poor performance by everyone I know last night - I couldn’t get one single person to come out and have a beer or two with me, so I had to get rocked by myself (which I’m still not sure was awesome or sad). If interested, please send a cover letter and resume and you’ll be hearing from me soon. If you're lucky, we’ll drunk at a bar on a school night.