Goals For 2007

Because I have no girlfriend or nothing much to do, I spend a lot of my time thinking and strategizing. This is how I pass most of my days and nights.

For example, last week I set an important goal for myself: before next summer is over, I will have sex in a pool. For as many women as I’ve had sex with (“Johnny Trashbag’s Genitals: Custom Made for Virgins Since 1976”), my list of crazy places I’ve had sex is woefully inadequate. I’ve never had sex in a car or on a beach or on a roof or in a bar bathroom or anything. Weak, I know. I did have sex in an ex-girlfriend’s office once, but that was so thoroughly planned that it became something more to survive and get over with than something to enjoy. Also, I couldn’t get an erection, so I’m not sure if it even counts. Although technically, I was in there for a little bit, but it was kinda like stuffing a wet dish rag into a shot glass. But I digress…

[I should clarify about one thing: I don’t mean that women I sleep with are typically kinky and willing to do it in the parking lot of a Walmart, but I mean that my best sexual bragging point is that I’ve had sex with many women than any of my friends, which I attribute to my less-than-intimidating genitals. Add to that that I’m all nice and funny and most women are pretty sure that I have no STDs, because, you know, you need to have sex to have a sexually transmitted disease, and all these factors combine to mean that I’ve been with more women than most porn stars. Which I am more than cool with. Because really, from the girl’s point of view, it can only get better after doing me, as that’s about as low as it gets, you poor thing. You poor, drunk, non-English-speaking thing whose brother is waiting outside in the hallway to shiv me.]

But hear me now: by the end of next summer, I will have done it in a pool. Of course, there are several obstacles to this. First, I have to find a pool. Then I have to actually get in the pool, something I haven’t done since 1987, the last year I had more hair on my head than on my back. And lastly, I have to find a woman willing to have sex with me in a pool, which will probably be the most difficult part. My only hope is that by next summer I will have won the lottery or have killed someone famous, making me fuckable to someone. Keep your fingers crossed.

[Do I focus on finding the pool first or the woman first? Since I’ve been focusing on finding a woman for, oh, fifteen years and have not had much luck, I should probably look for the pool first. It’s about time I change course. Unless I were to immerse myself into a circle of cokeheads. I’m pretty sure I’d be able to find a girl who’d have sex with me in a pool. Hell, I might even be able to find a girl who would have sex with me in a burning car, depending upon the cokehead circle. Maybe I should reassess...]