Me No Likey Pee-Pee

My penis and I are no longer on speaking terms. Too often recently I have woken up filled with regret about the previous night’s behavior, all because my penis is putting me in awkward positions with members of the opposite sex (and by "awkward positions" I don’t mean trying to fit myself, two women, a bottle of champagne, a dozen toy cars, and a Native American into my bathtub). Without getting too into it, he and I had a major blow-up precipitated by his unconscionable behavior this weekend (and the past few weekends) and we are finished. I don’t want to even look at or touch him, which means I’m going to have to start wearing diapers or something (and if I can’t touch him I will not be able to wash him, which is bad news for everyone, especially my poor co-workers - guess we won’t be having any meetings in my office this week).

This is not how I was hoping to end the week. Not at all.

(And I hate it when dudes refer to the birds as a person or "him," but I kinda had to here. So forgive me. At least I realize I sound like a douche.)