Johnny Trashbag: The Anti-Fanny Pack Commando

Pockets. I can not tell you with certainty, but I am almost convinced that they were invented by Greeks. The genius behind them points to a Gureek mind. Will you come with me while we look into how these came about?

Vangelis: Yanni, have you seen these amazing things that I have covering mi loins?
Yanni: Why yes, Vangelis. I have noticed, but didn’t want to intrude.
Vangelis: I call them pantalones, but I did not invent them. My cousin did. What I did invent was these…
Yanni: Vangelis! Are you a magician? How did you pull those many items out of your pantalones?
Vangelis: Yes! No! I am not a magician, but yes! Are they not amazing? I call them pockets. You can protect yourself from the elements with the pantalones, but with the pockets, you no longer need to carry small items on your head or in your hands.
Yanni: Vangelis, this is going to change my life. I have long wondered of a way to carry the many small items without dropping them on the floor. Now, because of your amazing Greek mind, I can do this! Thank you Vangelis! Thank you very much! Now let's have sex with some boys to celebrate!

And this, my friends, is how the pocket was invented. It is not listed as such on Wikipedia, but soon, soon it will be.

Why am I talking to you about pockets? Have I been eating too many chips again? Well, yes. Brian came upon some old chips hidden in one of his old coats and we ate them all. They were amazing chips, but this is not the only reason why I am discussing pockets. I am discussing pockets because there are some tourists in the great city of Newark who seem to be very much anti-pockets. And frankly, I can not stand anti-pocket people.

Why do I believe this? Because they have to wear things like fanny packs.

Why? Why do you make my eyes cry with such a horrible device? Do you have so many things that you absolutely MUST carry on your stomach? Is the pack of M&M’s melting in your pockets? Do you have 77 pairs of keys? Is it necessary to carry around your garage door opener?

Margaret: Bill, you should truly take this bottle of Scope with you in case your breath gets ever so awful.
Bill: You’re right Margaret! Why don’t I carry the “V” volume of the encyclopedia in case I find myself with moments of unused time? Why, I can just place it around the base of my fanny with this outside pocket/belt contraption that I’ve just invented!
Margaret: Why Bill! That’s an incredible idea! You can wear it around your fanny and move it around the base of your stomach for when you sit down! I’m ever so happy I married you Bill. Let’s go pick wild flowers!

Please, tourists of Newark. You are no longer allowed to wear fanny packs. That’s a rule. If you see someone wearing one, please tackle them. Thank you for your time.