VH1 Classico

While the internet was down today I figured I'd watch an hour's worth of music videos on VH1 Classic. Of course, it took me 15 minutes to run downstairs and grab lunch, so I had to limit myself to 45 minutes worth of Classic Goodness. Let me just say, I was not let down. At all. Here are the 10 videos I enjoyed.

George Michael "I Want Your Sex" - Within 6 seconds of the video being on, my officemate asked me, "Hey, when you were a kid did you think George Michael was gay?" I had to think about this for a while. Back when I was a kid and I watched music videos like "Faith" and "I Want Your Sex" I didn't know what gay was. Yet I feel that if somebody would've told me that there were men out there that had sex with other men, my immediate response would've been, "Oh... like George Michael?" Like, even if I didn't know, I knew. Does that make any sense? I'm not sure. Either way, great song and fun to sing along to, even if he was singing about some dude.

Ace of Base "The Sign" - Second video of the hour and already VH1 is straining the word "classic" pretty thin. This song, along with "All That She Wants" will forever remind me of going rollerskating at the Skate USA Roller Rink on Friday nights in the tenth grade. I think I even asked a girl out once as "The Sign" was blasting in the background. Sadly, the sign said "Stop." (get it? she said no.)

Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine "1,2,3" - "Oh, I used to love this song when I was a kid!" Then, I spent the next three and a half minutes hoping nobody heard me say that.

Billy Joel "I Go To Extremes" - I used to love Billy Joel. Of course, since everything to be said about Joel was said about Joel in "Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs," I'm not going to even bother. Instead, I'm just going to declare that he wears some pretty bitchin' sunglasses in this video. That's it.

Lionel Richie "Hello" - JACKPOT! Best. Video. Ever. In case you haven't seen it, Lionel Richie plays a teacher that stalks one of his students who happens to blind. Now, if you ask me, that's just lazy. Who couldn't stalk a blind person? You don't even have to hide! But anyway, Lionel spends the entire video following her around and singing "Hellooooo.... Is it me you're looking for?" which is kind of fucked up if you think about it. If I did that to a blind girl people would call me 'evil' and say I was going to hell. "Hey, Blind Girl! Is it me you're looking for?" What's romantic about that? So Lionel stalks her for the entire video, and then, at the end, we get the best payoff ever. The blind girl happens to be an expert sculptor. She calls Lionel into the art room to show him the sculpture she's been working on and says, "This is how I see you." She rotates the bust around and there it is... Patrick Ewing. Seriously, the thing looks just like old #33, it's hilarious. Lionel then sings "Hellooooo" one last time and the video ends. The don't make videos like this anymore. A true classic.

Phil Collins "One More Night" - I was still coming down from "Hello" so I missed the entire thing. Phil Collins, by the way, divorced his wife by fax and married a 27 year old.

Three Dog Night "Joy To The World" - It was a live concert video, but it looked more like a high school assembly. Speaking of which, if anybody needs Three Dog Night to play their high school assembly, I'd imagine they'd be available. Assuming they're not dead, of course.

The Beach Boys "I Get Around" - Great song. Your mom gets around.

Cyndi Lauper "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" - Don't worry, this was the 80's version, not the ill advised early 00's comeback remix. Cyndi Lauper videos always make me a little uneasy. They have the same production values of Troma films. Throughout the song I kept on waiting for the Toxic Avenger to appear on screen and for two average girls to start making out. Never happened. Luckily, Captain Lou Albano was there to comfort me through the pain.

Toto "Africa" - Man, how much did the US love Africa back in the 80's? We were all about it back then, but sadly Africa went the way of cabbage patch kids and Billy Zabka. Poor Africa. I think it's just laying low for a bit though, and will totally stage a comeback in the 2010's. You'll see.

Following Toto, my internet magically started working again. And here I am, a better person for having watched 45 minutes of "Classic" videos. Thank you VH1. Thank you.