Legal Advice

Arguably one of the best parts of being a criminal like me is that you get to tell women in bars that you have a lawyer. As you might guess, I try to take advantage of this whenever I can:

Girl: "I work in public relations and -"
Me: "I have a lawyer."
Girl: "That’s cool. I mean, I like PR and all, but I’m not sure if - "
Me: "MY LAWYER IS HANDSOME!"

or

Girl: "I’m getting a beer - do you want one?"
Me: "Funny you mention that - my lawyer usually buys me drinks when I’m in NYC."
Girl: "So you do or you don’t want one?"
Me: "You know, I remember this one time my lawyer and I were having drinks at The St. Regis - it’s this really nice hotel in the city - and my lawyer says, ‘How do you do it?’ and I was all like ‘What?’ and he was all like ‘Get so many blowjobs from such beautiful women’ and I was all confused but then I looked down and wouldn’t you know it, two women were fellating me. Two women! And I didn’t even notice! And they were totally hot! So anyway, I looked at my lawyer and - "
[Girl gets up from table]
Me: "Hey - where are you going?"
[Girl walks out of bar]
Me: [shouting after girl] "It’s not my fault that you’re a lesbian! Just because Daddy didn’t give you enough love doesn’t mean you should shy away from this!" [points at genitals] "Yeah, that’s right." [motions to homosexual male couple] "You guys know what I’m talking about."

So thank you, to my lawyer for being my number one conversation piece.

I am very indebted to my lawyer, because, even though I am surely his crappiest client (by far), he takes very good care of me and makes sure to return all my stupid emails and frantic voicemails. However, I may have pushed him too far this week, since I sent them an email on Monday and haven’t heard back since:

Mark,

I have two questions for you.

1) I recently got a parking ticket. I feel that I was given this ticket unjustly. I don’t really have time to fight the ticket or any of that crap, but I want to write "Fuck you" or "Suck my ass, cocksuckers" or something equivalent in the memo area of the check when I pay it off. Can I get in any legal trouble for this?

2) Hypothetically speaking, say I have a friend who’s sleeping with a seventeen year old girl. What kind of trouble can he get in for this? I mean, we’re not talking jail time, right? Is it a fine? If so, how much? Is it probation? And what can’t you do on probation? You can drink on probation, right? And what if this girl didn’t tell my friend she was 17 until after they already slept together? Is he then grandfathered out or anything? I mean, once you do it once, it doesn’t matter how many times you do it thereafter, right? She’ll be 18 in ten months, if that matters.

Anyway, please get back to me when you get a chance.

Love,
John

I’m anxiously awaiting his response and will keep you abreast.