Lent? No, Ego.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to have your attention. I have a major announcement that I want to share with you.

As of today, I am a vegetarian.

(For the month of March only.)

Yes, you read that right.Yours truly, one of the greatest carnivores in the Northeast, if not the entire US, is going without meat for a whole month.

Please, don’t freak out. There is no reason to be concerned and I’m not losing my mind (that is, I’m not losing it any more than I was already losing it). I assure you I have a most excellent reason for this life-altering change.

I am NOT doing this because I care about animals. I firmly believe that animals, like women, were put on this earth to be conquered and eaten by man (women not so much with the eating part, but you get it). And few things piss me off more than militant animal rights people. Don’t get me wrong: I have no political or social convictions and I respect the hell out of people who do. But if I were ever to have such a conviction, I’d like to think that I might focus on causes that might help humans (poverty, hunger, AIDS, etc) than stuff that helps animals, or as I like to call them, food. I mean, I think fur is wrong and all, but I ain’t gonna dedicate my life or a significant chunk of my time for some animals that God put on the earth for me to kill and eat anyway.

[Women and animal activists, please note that I AM indeed single]

Nor am I doing this for health reasons. I know I’ve only got a few years left, you know I’ve only got a few years left, whatever. If anything, I think I will actually gain weight from being a vegetarian. I don’t like or eat vegetables, so during this month my meat and fowl consumption will be replaced by macaroni and cheese, pizza, pasta, and more pizza. Not only that, but I’m already of the mindset of, "Hey, if I’m going to be a vegetarian, I’m gonna eat whatever the fuck else I want to eat." No ones wins when I start getting selfish, especially the TWO pieces of pumpkin pie I had for lunch.

With this in mind, I weighed myself this morning, intending to put how much I weigh now on here so that I could compare it to my weight at the end of the month. But when I got weighed this morning, I learned that I was a whopping 223 pounds. This is a pretty high weight for me. My fighting weight is about 190, which is focused entirely on my gut.

This is the most I've ever weighed, as far as I remember. I also remember my dad betting me that I couldn’t break 250 once, and though I tried, I have yet to cross that 250 pound plane. It was the first time my dad ever encouraged me in anything semi-athletic. Actually it’s sort of the opposite of athletic. And I still let him down. We have a complicated relationship.

The lowest my weight has ever been was in 1995 when I nearly got under 180. This is when I had no money and decided to travel the world for a year. After gorging myself regularly, and realizing that credit card debt (because of food) just wasn't cool, I realized I was going to have to: a) stop drinking, b) stop eating, c) stop traveling. I chose "b" and, let me tell you something, you’d be surprised how much weight you can lose when you only have a turkey sandwich every day for three months. Of course, when I finally got back to work, I gained about thirty pounds (in the first 26 hours after cashing my paycheck), much to the chagrin of the girl I was dating at the time, who started dating me when I was Svelte John. Oh well - sucked for her.

I have been hovering within a few pounds of 210 since 1999, so today’s reading was a surprise. However, I think there are three reasons for the higher-than-expected number:

1) Over the past few days I’ve been gorging myself: breakfast meats galore, two trips to the deli for pastrami, a few chicken parm dinners, etc.

…

You know, I just re-read that line and realized that that’s not very different from my normal diet. I guess I’m just a fat bastard.

2) When I weighed myself this morning, I was not nude. I kept my boxers on to cover up my genitals, because I didn’t them to see the potentially high number. So the boxers added at least 4 pounds, I’m sure. And thank god I did cover them up, because they would have ascended into my body and would have stayed there for a good two months. Not like they’re needed for anything except show, but whatever.

3) I have not trimmed my beard in a while. That’s another 2-3 pounds right there.

But still, despite my higher-than-average current weight, I still think I will gain weight over the next month. So we’re at 223 right now. Mark it down. I might finally get above 250. Sweet.

So the real reason I’m doing this has nothing to do with animals or health. Instead, it is because of something more dear to me than either my love of animals or my own health. Hell, my reason behind my month-long vegetarianism is more important than anything else to me. So why am I doing this?

Ego.

Some background: last week, the concept of vegetarianism came up in a conversation between my friend Mike and I.

Me: "You know, I think I could be a vegetarian for a little while."
Mike: [laughing] "Yeah, right."
Me: "What?"
Mike: "Oh, you’re not joking?"
Me: "No, I’m not joking. What the hell does that mean?"
Mike: "You could never be a vegetarian. That’s no meat, pork, chicken, or turkey. Only fish and vegetables. And I’ve never seen you eat a vegetable on purpose."
Me: "I could do it."
Mike: "You wouldn’t last two days."
Me: "I fucking hate you."

Later that night, a bunch of us went to dinner. My buddy McGriff was there. I brought up the idea up to him.

Me: "So McGriff, I think I might become a vegetarian for a little while."
McGriff: "How long’s a little while? Like, fifteen, twenty minutes?"
Me: "I fucking hate you."

Then we basically had the same conversation Ben and I had. The best part is that I haven’t consistently hung out with McGriff since I was in college, but he still doubted my dedication.

Or underestimated my ego.

I kept bringing up the vegetarian idea to more friends and each replied the same way: there’s no way I could do it. None. None, none, none.

So guess what bitches? Look who’s going one month without meat: ME. It’s on - no meat for all of March. No chicken, hot dogs, burgers, turkey, pastrami, Taco Bell, Burger King, chili, steak, chicken parm, bacon, ribs - none of it. For the month of March, it’s only going to be eggs, cheese, potatoes, rice, tuna, peanut butter, and a whole lot of fucking desserts for me.

I’m obviously going to have to work on the honor system here, but I will not lie. I know that you probably don’t believe me, since I lie all the time, but I’m not lying here. When it comes to matters of ego, truth is everything.

So over the next month I’ll be letting you know of my progress. Don’t worry, I’m not going to turn this into a diet blog. And hell, the odds are that I’m going to get drunk this weekend and eat a dog. But if I do, you will know.

Finally, wish me luck. Because I’m really going to need it. I already kinda regret this, but there’s no turning back now.

[Please don’t send me emails saying that real vegetarians don’t eat fish or whatever the hell else. I’m eating fish, ok? If it makes you feel any better, I don’t even like fish, so I won’t be eating that much. Thank god for pizza and Country Crock mac and cheese. Bring on the carbs!]