The Sex Mix

Who's done it? Who's made a Sex CD? Be honest.

I haven't, but it's an idea I've been kicking around since I started having (consensual) sex all those years ago. Of course, back then it would have been a Sex Mix-Tape, which would've made things awkward when I'd have to stop everything and flip it over to side B.

In school I would distract myself during boring classes by writing potential track listings for my ideal Sex Mix. I'd only be able to get a few songs down before I would say to myself, "What the fuck am I doing??" I mean, can someone really make a Sex CD? What does that say about you as a person? I guess it kind of says, "I have enough sex to necessitate a Sex CD," but it also kind of says, "I am really, really lame."

First things first: why make a Sex CD? Simple...there are absolutely no good CD's to have sex to. Or to make love to. Or to bone to. None. Not all the way through, at least. Sure, there are tons of CD's with potential, with little blocks of great sex songs, with the occasional hot track that makes you want to take your pants off, but there's not a single CD that I've come across that does the deed from beginning to end. There are 2 factors that contribute to this: The Single and Irony.

The Single ruins CD's that have sex potential. The single could be the one fast song on a generally slow and moody CD, or the one quirky song on an otherwise solid album. Not only does the single jar you, it's immediately recognizable, resulting in an awkward detachment that causes you and your partner to simultaneously think, "Oh, it's this song." If you know the words you start singing along in your head, which is great for guys (because it distracts you and bides more time) but not great for girls (because it distracts you and takes more time). The Single is a total mood killer, and it has ruined more albums in the past ten years than P. Diddy.

Now, Irony. Irony killed Soul. Killed Soul dead. All that great Al Green/Marvin Gaye/Otis Redding/Barry White music has been ruined-- no longer considered sexy, thanks to irony. Before the 'Age of Irony' you could play "Let's Get It On" to get somebody in the mood. Now if you cued up that song during the heat of the moment your partner would laugh their ass off. All that great 70's Soul music has been wasted away on lame TV commercials and Rob Schneider movies. Because of that, we're fucked. In case you didn't notice, there weren't any other genres of music in the 70's pumping out music to have sex to. Led Zeppelin, Black Sabbath, and the Ramones aren't exactly sexy, unless you're a D&D geek, elderly goth, or ugly, respectively. And the 80's didn't pick up the slack either, unless you live in New Jersey and have a girl that likes to get it on to Slippery When Wet. But that's it.

So as a generation with no good Sex Music, I guess we're kind of obligated to make our own Sex Mixes. But making a Sex Mix comes with several problems. First of all, what do you title it? "Sex Mix Vol. 1"? "Bob's Mood Music"? "Lay There And Take It"? You have to write something on the CD with a black sharpie, don't you? Beyond that, when you put on a Sex CD you're determining what kind of sex you're going to have. Radiohead sex is different than Sade sex. And classical music sex is different than both of those, because it means you're probably having sex with a baroness. (well, that's what it means on Cinemax.)

How about the sleazy factor? Is it sleazy if you use the same Sex Mix for a bunch of different girls? Is it sleazier, than say using the same box of condoms for a bunch of different girls? I say it is, because symbolically music is supposed to bring us closer together, while condoms are meant to keep us apart. But since it would be an incredible hassle to keep making new Sex CD's, I guess it's okay to reuse them. Of course, you should probably stop if you find yourself saying, "Geez, I liked this song so much more the last time I listened to it. God I miss my ex-girlfriend." The other problem is that if you've listened to it more than once you're going to start putting pressure on yourself. Like, "if I don't hold out until Track 9 I'm pathetic." Like you really need that.

What about the track listing to a Sex Mix? Do you try to match the pacing to that of a typical sexual encounter? Do you start with a few slow songs, proceed to work your way up to the climax, and conclude with the denouement? Am I putting way, way too much thought into this? I think I am.

But I'm not losing hope. While I don't think I'll ever be able to put together a satisfactory Sex Mix, hopefully there is an artist out there working on the ideal Sex CD as we speak. One that's devoid of Singles, Irony, and P. Diddy. Until then, I have no choice but to stick with my old standby: Mary Kate & Ashley's Greatest Hits.

What?