10 Things About Handjobs

A friend of mine (let's call him Brian Farmer) recently told me about a hookup where he left with nothing but a handjob. Now, according to Brian, when things got going the sky was the limit... but as it turned out the limit was much, much lower than he anticipated. He left that night in a strange state of mind...somewhere smack in between success and failure. In some ways he was like a man who had won a war but forgot what he was fighting for. In other ways, he was just another 27-year-old guy who was given a token handjob. Whatever the case be, it made him think. And as a result, it got me thinking as well...

1. Have you ever heard somebody over the age of 16 brag about getting a handjob? No. It doesn't happen. If you hook up with a girl and all you leave with is a handjob, you're probably going to end up rounding down to your friends to save face. "What'd you get?" "Um, I just felt her up, that's all."

2. Here's a question for ya. If it's raining out and you have an umbrella and somebody walks up to you and tries to hand you an umbrella, wouldn't you just be like, "Um, I already have that covered, thanks anyway." Yeah. Exactly.

3. Girls will say things like, "I know guys complain about handjobs, but I always get the job done." Yeah, you probably do, but that's only because desperate times call for desperate measures. If we know that's all we're getting, we're gonna make it work. Mind over matter. I'm pretty sure I could finish while getting an Indian Burn on my arm if I had to... it's all mental.

4. Handjob + 72 degree angle + closed eyes + gravity = potential to give oneself a facial. And that equals a very unhappy customer... usually.

5. A sweaty palm is not an acceptable form of lubrication.

6. Ladies, every time you say "I hate it when a guy tries to push my head down there!" somewhere on earth, at the EXACT same time, there is a guy saying, "I hate handjobs." If only we communicated a little more, maybe we'd all be happy.

7. This one's for the hookers: A handjob shouldn't cost any more than 1/2 of what a blowjob costs. I'm saying, if a bj costs $50, a handy shouldn't be any more than $15, that's all.

8. Remember those old SAT analogies? Well-- A penis is to a vagina : A hand is to a mitten. Please don't put my penis in a mitten.

9. Remember when you were a kid and all you had was Nintendo? You loved your Nintendo, didn't you? But then one day you were in the mall and you came across a Sega Genesis, and there was Sonic in all his 16-Bit glory. The game moved faster, the colors were brighter, and the overall excitement was so much greater. Once you got your hands on that joystick, you knew you'd have a hard time going back to your Nintendo. Right? So what did you do? You stuck your dick into your Sega, didn't you? Didn't you? That has nothing to do with handjobs, I'm just curious.

10. Finally, to make one last analogy: Getting a handjob is like pulling up to the full service pumps at a gas station. Sure it's a nice luxury, but in the end you just end up feeling a little strange having someone else do that job for you.