Books I Should Write

Despite blogging consistently for almost three years now, somehow, some way, I have never been offered a book deal. Surely this must be some kind of oversight. I mean, don't ALL bloggers get book deals? I'm hurt.

Not that I want to write a book, but if I was given the opportunity I think there are several things I could write about. Especially since I've learned a lot in these three years. I wouldn't call it "Inbreeding For Fun And Education" or anything that would hurt my chances of cracking the Amazon Hot 100. Instead, I'd have to think of something unique and original. Which is tough. But here are some ideas. These are the books that I think I'm qualified to write.

You're Selling Me A Sandwich, Not Disarming A Nuclear Bomb-- Slow The Fuck Down Please, I'm Looking For Exact Change: A Guide to Buying Lunch in NYC

Cancel Your Blockbuster Card ...and other things you should remember to do after breaking up with your girlfriend

Not Having Any Toilet Paper Will NOT Help Your Chances of Getting Laid: A True Story

"Crazy" Is Not A Benefit In A Friends-With-Benefits Relationship Trying to Keep Things Casual in Sex

Free Drinks! If Those Words Don't Make Me Want To Attend Your Party, Assume You're Genuinely Unlikeable

Thanks For The Add! Trying To Validate My Existance, One MySpace Friend At A Time

"See That Girl? I Gave Her An Abortion." And Other Things That Some Hipsters Said To Me at Orchard Bar on a Friday Night

How Old Are You? or Why Are You Giving Me A Handjob?

Dirty Dishes? Throw Them Out! Living Like An Idiot

Funtember 11th: A Guide To Assessing The Crowd and Looking Over Your Shoulders Before Making A Joke Regarding September 11th

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Speak While Drunk: A 22 (and counting) Part Anthology

Randomhouse...I'll be waiting by the phone.