What Perks?

I have nothing left to live for.

It's true and it's unfair. When you're a kid you have so many substantial birthdays to look forward to. So many milestones. So many rewards just for making it to a specific age. Depending on what state you live in, around the age of 16 you get your drivers license. At 18 you finally earn the right to vote, and more importantly, the right to buy cigarettes and porn. At 19 you can start drinking legally in Canada. Next up is the big one, 21, when you can start drinking legally here in the states. Finally, at 25, you get to rent a car. And then that's it.

After you turn 25 there's really nothing left to live for. Sure, if you're a rich white guy you're technically eligible to run for president at 35, but that doesn't affect everybody. And yeah, I guess there are senior citizen discounts when you hit 55, but those are always pretty weak. There's nothing that rivals legal drinking and legitimate phone sex. What are we to do? What is there to motivate me to live another 5, 10, 20 years? There's nothing.

Now I turned 30 not too long ago, and this has really been bothering me. So last night after an intense brainstorming session with a friend, we came up with some more ideas for important birthday milestones. For some of these, the government has to step up and help us out, while others are more of societal agreements that we should accept and pass on to our kids. I think that all of these are plausible, and together we should go forth and nail them down. Because we all need a reason to live, right?

So here they are.

31 - Fuck A Friend. When you hit 31 you get to have No-Strings-Attached Sex with one of your good friends. Ideally, a friend that you've never had sex with before. This is sure to ease the pain of turning 31, and it will finally erase the sexual tension you have with an old pal. As a society we're gonna have to agree on this...a one time thing amongst friends.

33 - Free Light Beer. At 33, a dozen years after our last alcohol-related reward, we are rewarded with booze once again. All domestic light beer: Miller Light, Bud Light, Coors Light, etc. will be free from now on. Of course, this only applies at bars, and you have to prove you're 33 by showing your ID (which should provide a bit of an ego boost, since you probably haven't been legitimately ID'd in about 8 years). The reason this can only work at a bar is if we were able to take free cases of light beer from stores it is inevitable that the South would run out of Busch Light in 3 to 5 months.

35 - Vote In Foreign Elections. By the time you're 35 you pretty much know what's going on the world. But hey, even if you don't, that shouldn't stop you. At 35 you get the option of choosing a country and voting in their elections. Not only will this be kind of fun, it's also a great way to make the world hate us a little more. I couldn't think of a better way to show the Iraqis that we're serious about democracy than voting in their elections for them. Burnnnn.

42 - One (1) Free Pedicure. On your 42nd birthday the government will issue you one (1) gift certificate to a local beauty parlor for a free pedicure. Why? Why not? Hell, I'll probably go my whole life without getting a pedicure... unless, of course, I'm 42 and it's on the government's dime. It's a nice little treat.

50 - You Can Litter. Yes, it will still be frowned upon, but once you hit 50 you're allowed to litter without getting a ticket.

65 - Social Security. Maybe. We'll see about that.

66 - Women Can Finally Vote. I know this is controversial and crazy, but I think women should be allowed to vote when they turn 66. I mean, it's unfair that women in this country still don't have the right, and I think if we give them an additional 48 years to study up on the subject, by the time they're 66 they should be capable of making a good decision. Hey, call me a progressive liberal, but that's just what I think.

70 - You Can Be Openly Racist. When you hear a kid say something racist it breaks your heart and twists your stomach. When you hear an old person do it, it's almost kind of cute. So, when you turn 70 you can start saying stupid, irrational racist things and it will be more endearing than grotesque. Of course, you can't say racist things around children unless you preface it with "I'm old and I don't know what I'm talking about..."

85 - Murder. This is the big one-- the reason to live 8 and 1/2 decades. At 85 you're allowed to murder one person. Why? Well, because if you're alive that long you should be able to break one of the 10 Commandments, and well, we think adultery is just wrong.

Now, since we are a country of laws and regulations, you can't just go out and kill somebody when you turn 85. You have to file the paperwork and get the government to review your case and approve. There are 2 stipulations: (a) You have to have a personal vendetta against the person; and (b) The person you want to murder has to be 85 or older. Because if you really want to kill somebody after 85 years, that person probably deserves to be dead. Of course, as paperwork tends to go, it will take 6-8 years for everything to clear, so chances are at least one of you will be dead by the time the Murder is approved. But assuming you both live into your nineties... Well, happy birthday, Grandpa.

We need more perks in life. We deserve it. We deserve more rights and fewer responsibilities. When you're celebrating a birthday, all you're celebrating is not dying for 365 days... can't we do better than that?

I think we can. I think we can, and I hope you agree with that, and most importantly, I hope you still want to be my friend after reading this.

Why?

So I can fuck you when I'm 31. Duh.