Return To Innocence (And Meat)

I'm going to see some friends in Queens next Friday night to take care of a few things but mainly to eat a lot of meat.

I’m still going strong with my vegetarianism (pseudo-pescatarianism). But that thankfully comes to an end this Saturday, April 1.

I’ll give a proper recap when the time passes, but the most difficult time I had with the veggie thing was when I went to see my folks in Florida a few weekends ago. You have to understand, my family is not a vegetable family. The most exotic vegetable I had growing up was tomatoes. I shit you not when I say I didn’t have broccoli until I left home and I had my first brussel sprout about 3 years ago. I don’t think my father ever ate something that didn’t at one time have a face (save for pizza, and that usually has pepperoni on it).

But that all ends next Friday night. I imagine when I finally sink my teeth into a juicy, steak at about 10pm on Friday night it will be akin to the conjugal visit sex. No - fuck conjugal visit sex. It’s going to be the me equivalent of "I just came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan and haven’t seen an attractive woman in two years and my wife surprised me with breast implants and OH MY GOD I JUST SPOOGED TWICE JUST THINKING ABOUT IT" sex. I seriously get giddy thinking about this.

When I was a kid, I used to hold in pee for as long as I could, just so when I did finally pee I got that overwhelming feeling of relief and joy (a sensualist at a young age, was I). Perhaps I will be so overwhelmed by my return to meat that I will go through stretches of vegetarianism just to experience the elation of eating meat.

…

Actually, no. That’s never going to happen. I will never again forsake meat. Never. And if I should die between now and April 1, please make sure that I am buried with a steak. I don’t ask much of you, but one of you please make sure this happens.