Burrito Ultimo

I have fallen in love with Baja Fresh. For those not familiar, Baja Fresh is a chain of burrito places. Think Taco Bell with class and on steroids. Giant fucking burritos served in a building that has actually passed a city health inspection without an exchange of oral sex. A novelty here in New Jersey.

This new found romance could not have come at a worse time: though I have written at length about my imaginary battles with my heart, I am convinced that I will have a heart attack any day now (perhaps even before you finish reading this) and the average Baja Fresh burrito has about 1100 calories and 50 grams of fat. Cruel, cruel fate.

Of course, I could lessen the fat content by laying off the cheese, sour cream, etc, but then it wouldn’t be the same. In order to try to make the relationship work without compromising its dignity, I decided to order burritos differently. Before I would say, “I’ll have a Burrito Ultimo with pinto, cheese, sour cream, and a little bit of lettuce” and be extremely satisfied. However, after I’d feel very guilty and have shooting pains in my left arm. Not good.

So I decided to try ordering the burrito by saying, “Hi, I’ll have a Burrito Ultimo with pinto beans. But can I get just a little bit of rice, cheese, and sour cream? Just a little please.” I figure by doing this I could cut at least 80% of the calories and fat of the burrito. I'm not sure if this is exactly right, as I'm not a dietician, but I'm pretty sure it's close.

But there’s a problem: the burritos are made very quickly in assembly line fashion. That is, one person puts on the rice and beans, another adds the meat, another the cheese, etc. So though I’ll ask the person taking my order for my "lite" burrito, I find myself racing down the line asking people to lay off on swathing the whole thing in cheese and sour cream and of course this never works. I have yet to get a completely lite burrito (sometimes I'll wind up with a little bit of rice, but a ton of cheese and sour cream, other times a lot of rice, but hardly any cheese, etc).

The point? It's totally cool, because at least I tried. The biggest part of dieting is effort. When I go to Baja Fresh I give it my all and try to order my smaller burrito. If that doesn't work out because the burrito is made too fast or the people making the burrito don't speak English or because I didn't actually tell them to go easy on any part of the burrito in the first place, I can eat all 1100 calories and savor every last one, knowing that I tried my hardest and that's all that matters.

I love dieting.