Bad Porn, Bad.

Kira Kener is a porn star, and she is AWESOME.

I am convinced that God put Kira Kener on this earth to torture me. I know it, He knows it, and she probably knows it. Sort of like, "Hey John - check this out. Guess what? You will never, ever, ever be able to have her. You fat bastard." She is my favorite porn star and has been for a long time. I would like to say that she is my muse, as many times when I write (which is quite often actually), I'll watch some of her work in an effort to get inspired. Instead, I'll forget the writing altogether, masturbate, and wind up needing to take a long nap to recuperate. So she's not my muse, but I would certainly tell her that if she let me smell her hair, which I'm sure smells like a mix of roses, potpourri, and old semen (translation: delightful).

Last night, I was watching a newly-downloaded clip of hers, and by the end I was so thoroughly disturbed that I abandoned the whole "playing with myself" thing altogether. In the porno, she was making love to a man - a simple man-woman scene. As the sex was gaining momentum, building toward a climax, the dude pulled out to spooge on Kira's face - standard for a porn scene. But then, after he was done spooging, he laid down next to Kira and (god - it's even hard to type this it's so gross) proceeded to lick his own semen off her face.

Well.

Upon seeing this, I made a noise similar to a sound one would make after being punched in the throat. My expression, once lusty, turned to a mix of confused horror, as I rocked backward on my chair, rolling away from the computer that I was watching the clip on, trying to distance myself from the horrible horrible horribleness. I let out a few audible "Oh God"s as I got up from the chair and raced into the bathroom, where I hid until the scene was over (which was thankfully not long).

I mean, eating your own semen? WTF? Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty freaky - I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom - but never have I thought after sex or masturbating, "You know what? I wonder what my jizz tastes like. I bet it's onion rings." Good LORD.

I still love Kira, and I always will, so that's not the issue. The issue is that I'm going to seriously reconsider my porn downloading tactics, which heretofore have been "download everything". I haven't had this sort of existential/porn-downloading crisis since early fall, when I downloaded a clip that was just a little too grainy and the girl looking a little too young for me to feel comfortable about having it on my computer. Of course, after a few beers I grew comfortable, but it still wasn't finest moment.

Thus, this scene is now the #2 worst scene I've ever seen in a porno.

[And of course I'll give you numbers one and three]

#3: I don't remember the name of the porno, but it was set on a farm. A dude was starting to get it on with a woman in pigtails and a tied-off flannel shirt who was very attractive. As he was kissing her boobs however, something went horribly awry: she started shooting milk out of her nipples. Like all over his face. And the dude was all into it as milk was pouring out of her nipples. NOT sexy. Not sexy at all. Fortunately, I was able to regroup and get the job done, but that's only because I saw this when I was maybe 16, at my sexual prime. Had I seen this now at 30, I wouldn't have been able to look at a bare booby again for at least a week. I mean, damn.

#1. Though the scene with Kira was bad, nothing tops this. The movie was called "The Zone", a Vivid Picture starring, among others, Dyanna Lauren, Kobe Tai, and Peter North. I tell you it's Vivid and give you the names of the stars to prove that this wasn't some weird underground fetish porn; it was a major studio with mainstream stars, which makes what happened even more inexplicable.

"The Zone" itself was some sort of sex club where people went to find like-minded individuals to get it on with. When any scenes would occur in The Zone, there'd be a lot of cut to's, meaning one couple would be having sex, then they cut to another couple having sex, then back to the first couple, then back to the second, etc.

This particular scene was exactly like that. The first couple was a man and a woman, the chick giving the dude a beejer. Then it cuts to another scene, where a woman is standing, apparently getting oral. It only shows you her face in rapture, and she's kinda busted. The camera pans slowly down, and as you get to her exposed boobs you figure that for sure someone is going down on this chick (sorry for the graphic content, but stay with me here).

So all this is standard porn, nothing special. The camera continues panning down, past the chick's boobs, and the head of a woman comes into view from the bottom of the screen, so I figure it's a girl-on-girl scene. Yet it's weird, because the girl giving the oral seems to be bobbing her head, something usually doesn't happen when the person getting the oral is a woman, but I think nothing of this, as I'm beating my penis like it owes me money. The camera continues to scroll down the body of the woman further and reveals more of what the woman giving is doing and HOLY SHIT THE CHICK HAS A DICK!

No. Words.

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Ok, I don't even know if I can go on here, but as you can guess, this was not appealing to me. Not that there's anything wrong with she-males or anything (some of my best friends are she-males), but that wasn't exactly what I was looking for at that moment.

The best part is that I then loaned my buddy Kyle the porn, "coincidentally" forgetting to mention the scene with the she-male. About two weeks later I got a frantic call from Kyle, "DUDE - what the FUCK was that scene about with the chick who had a dick? I mean, what the fuck?" So I guess it worked out for everyone in the end. And no, I'm not going to explain why or how, but I needed a way to end this because over 1200 words on porn is a little bad (even for me) and "So I guess it worked out for everyone" sounded pretty good at the time.

And yes ladies, I AM single.