Help Yourself

If ever there was a time for a man to step up onto this proverbial cum-stained soap box we call the Internet, and offer up the brutal truth in this land of Puritan Christian rightwing ass-fuckery we call George Bush's Amerika, that time is NOW. So heed these words, oh fellow sick fucks, you glorious purveyors of unabashed adult entertainment. My ears and heart are open to any and all forms of query you would desire me to answer. Just send them here, and God willing that I sober up enough to remember my password, I will do my best to answer them in the only way I know how: utterly and completely devoid of any semblance of caring about your actual problems. Enjoy!

Odetta M. asks: Dear Johnny, I have been going with this dude for like 6 months. Well, he seems to have just like "settled in" and now, I can't suck his delicious shaft, take the time to have mind blowing building foreplay. He hasn't munched on my holy hole in ages and this is a really big thing 'cause he moved in a few months ago and now i am not getting the booty i wanted which was why i got with him in the first place. His personality kinda blows, but the sex as so good i did not care. Do you have any advice for what i might do to respark his fulfilling physical time... cause really, having to actually talk to him is turning me off more and more every day.

The Doctor Responds: For God's sakes people, somebody get this woman 37 CC's ofcock, STAT!You pose an interesting question, Odetta, and also reveal to the world at large what I have known for a long, long time now. This myth that has been perpetuated upon the male population, that women are the complete opposite of men in the sense that man is purely driven by an analytical and sexual force, and women desire the warm fuzzy comforts of a foot rub and perhaps a hot cup of peppermint tea is just that -- A FUCKING MYTH. We ALL desire to either fuck or be fucked, and that desire know's no differences between whether there's a penis or a vagina between those legs of yours. From a man's point of view, starting at a young age we are forcefed this bullshit ideal that a woman holds all the cards when it comes to the act of depraved carnality, so then we are forced to always be the ones to try and seek out the pussy -- and never to let it just come to us. Perhaps gay men are onto something when it comes to sexuality, the fact they completely revel in the act of purely perverted passions, and when together, never having to worry about whether or not you're going to score some ass. Somewhere in those two sentences probably lies the connection of male/female interaction and man's primal instinct of hunting and gathering, but I'm too ignorant to try and make that connection right now. This is my blog, after all. So to answer your question, Odetta, about whether or not I can offer you advice on to rekindle that which has grown cold, I offer you two suggestions.One: Sit that lazy fucking douchebag down, straddle his face, and demand that he give you a complete and thorough gynecological exam using only his tongue and mouth. If he refuses or says he's too tired, it's time to either get rid of his ungrateful ass or just put on your sluttiest dress, take a couple shots of liquid courage, go out without him and score yourself a piece of strange. He's probably cheating on you anyway.Or two: You can continue to live in a cold and wasteful relationship, all the while that precious womb of yours will go barren and dusty.

Electrician With Blue Balls writes: Hey Doc,I've just found a career for myself, and unconsciously, stopped partying and finding a new hole and heartbeat for the night. Because of the time frame that I work, and the fact I don't wanna fuck up this living, I just sit at home drinking during the weekdays. I think this needs to be fixed, so I can keep my job, and still lay berries to nameless women throughout the year.

The Doctor Responds: There comes a time in every man's life when such a decision comes crashing down your door like a German Stormtrooper, and beats you about the face and neck with the truncheon of Real Life. I, too, was forced to make that decision, fellow blue collar worker, and have regretted it ever since. Gone are the days of me waking up at noon on a Wednesday, breath stinking like cheap gin and cigarettes, my aching torso caught in the post-coital figure-four death lock we call "spooning" by some vixen who, for the life of me, I can never remember the name OR face of when they wake up, and do the exact same thing when the sunset again. I can offer you NO advice, my poor man, for if not for the fact that you don't want to fuck up anymore, I would have just simply said fuck it. Quit your stupid day job and go back to school, living off the fat of the land at the taxpayer's expense. Even better, hurt yourself on the job. I don't know, say you "accidently" cut off a pinkie or fell down a flight of stairs and broke both legs. Boom! You get a nice fat disability check, some much needed time off to invest in becoming a full time alcoholic playboy, and all you had to do was hurt yourself. But hey bro, you don't want to "fuck this up", right? Let me give you some advice my older brother gave me when it I asked him the very same question you asked me:

"Welcome to the machine! It sucks."

That's it. We're both fucked. Welcome to the machine...and the rest of your life as an adult.