Personal Ad From Hell

Being the perpetual sex-starved bachelor that I am, in the past I have even gone the route to search for random, indiscriminate lovin' from random, indiscriminate women through on-line personal ad sites. You know the type, the ones that either cruelly guarantee a "soulmate", or better yet, the kinds that promise of a quick encounter with an STD ridden single mother of four. Sadly though, none have ever worked for me. Sure, I get my fair play of cooze, but it's almost never anonymous and never that easy. Me getting laid requires a hell of a lot on my part, for am I neither good looking nor rich enough to get away with being the perverted ugly asshole that I am in public. And a lot of that involves copious amounts of alcohol, as many of my ex-girlfriends can attest to. Damn it people...I'm looking for some strange and I want it NOW. So if any of whores out there are interested, you know where to find me. Let's make some magic, bitches.

In an effort to send my desires out into the weird wide web, I submit to YOU, the horny bitches of the world, my very own personal ad. Right click save as, you filthy whores, cause an opportunity like this only comes once in a blue moon. That's right ladies. John is single, young, and willing to lick a fat chick's asshole or two for a night of awkward yet impassionate lovemaking. Check my very own Do-It-Yourself e-profile, it's teh sechzie! :0 w00t!

Personal Information

Name: John
Age: 26, give or take a few years
Weight: fat
Height: short
Penis size: same as weight and height
Sexual orientation: I like to bang chicks, I swears it!
Marital status: Hell no.
Which ethnicities describe you the best?: Greek
Political stance: Anarcho-liberal socialist scumbag
Smoker?: Three packs a day. *cough*
Drinker?: I only drink when I want to numb the pain of existence. Which is constantly.
Occupation: Shitty writer; Professional alcoholic; Drain on society
Religion: Taoism. Or Discordian...sometimes I get the two confused.
Have Children?: Depends on who you ask. I still say it ain't mine.
Want Children?: To go away? Yes.
What factors are most important to you when looking for a sexual partner?: First, and most importantly, my partner MUST have a vagina, preferably shaved and created at birth, NOT by some backalley Tijuana doctor. Secondly, she must realize that I'm a very sensitive and caring human being. So when I give you a black eye because you forgot to cook me dinner after a hard day's work down in the coal mine, it's because I love you. Third, you must be reasonably attractive; I like sex with the lights on. All STDs welcome.
The five things I could never do without:

1. Booze
2. Booze
3. Cigarettes
4. Amateur Japanese amputee fisting porn
5. Booze

Favorite sexual act: It's a toss up between the "Blumpkin" and the "Rusty Louie". One on hand, there is nothing, and I repeat NOTHING more relaxing than sitting on the toilet, taking a shit, and receiving a blowjob all at the same time. Take it from me, guys, it'll be the most memorable shit you ever took. But on the other hand, the sheer hilarity factor of pissing inside a loved one's ass, then plugging it all up with their own thumb and making them run to the bathroom so as not to get piss all over the bed cannot be understated. When you watch them waddle to the bathroom, thumb firmly planted into their pissy asshole, I don't care what anyone says. THAT'S fucking comedy. About my mate Smoker?: This is preferable, but only for purely selfish reasons. It just means more nicotine for me when I run out of cigarettes.
Drinker?: Also preferable. I like em' loose and sloppy, boozed up beyond the point of self-awareness. Besides, alcohol just makes ME seem funnier, and chicks love a guy with a sense of humor, right? Right?
Kids?: Hmmm...this one is a doozy. Now, I don't mind if you do have kids, it's just that, well, I hate them with a passion that almost matches my unbridled hatred for Haitians. So if you DO have kids, don't expect me to try and become a father figure to them. It just ain't gonna happen. Sure, I'll teach them the more important skills and lessons in life like ATM machine fraud, how to smoke freebase out of a broken light bulb, explaining to them what a "Rusty Louie" is, and the fine art of donkey punching, but don't expect anything more. Those are YOUR kids, not mine; no matter WHAT Child Protective Services says.
Anything else?: Yes. Like I said earlier, you must be well shaven. That includes both pussy AND upper lip. You must be willing tobe subjected tothe terrible and dark perversions that spring forth from my Caligulan desires, and you better enjoy it like the filthy whore I want you to be. Expect to get banged like we're the last two people on earth, then thrown to the gutter like a john's used rubber the next morning. Remember this ladies: I probably won't ever spend any money on you, nor will I probably ever take you "out", but what I will provide you with is a bruised cervix and a broken heart. C'mon. You know you want it, baby...