King Of All Text

Well, I think it's safe to say to fans of this page, that I've pretty much conquered the world of prose as evidenced by my semi-weekly writings. So now I've decided to make a bold move and strike into the world of poetry. Poetry is pretty much a forgotten, almost useless form. It needs a shakeup. It needs a fresh new voice. And the poetry world should buckle up for what's coming down Keats Alley. Look out Poetry World, John is calling you out one verse at a time!

I enjoy the Japanese form of Haiku most. That's where the first line is 5 syllables, the middle line is 7, and the final line is 5 again. I don't know why this arbitrary sandwich of syllables is held in such high regard--perhaps it's the Japanese "420"--but you don't have to worry about rhyming anything and that makes all the intellegentsia think it's more important than regular rhyming poetry. "Rhyming? Oh, my. How base and childish. Haiku! Ah, no rhyming and from the mysterious Orient. Ahhhhh!"

So that's where I'll begin my astonishing, scorching path through the lyrical world. Here are some of my first Haikus. Print them, because first editions are unbelievably valuable on Ebay:

Oh, my thin sister!
Why is it that you don't eat?
I want to feed you.
My mother has a stash
If she does not share with me.
Down the steps she goes.

"Hello, Fred," I say.
"Yeeeess!" he says back to me. Yes?
What the fuck is that?

Looks like I mastered that faster than I expected. But what sets me apart from most is that I'm one frog that doesn't settle for the same old lily-pad. No, siree! I'm hopping to get to the next level...of achievement, not lily-pad....oh, whatever.

Now here is a little twist of my own I've put on the Haiku form. This may shock the purists, but that's in keeping with my shock poet image. Here now are some poems of mine written with the first line getting 7 syllables, the second line has 5, and the last line has 7 again. I call this innovation, 7/5/7 Haiku. And soon, so will the world.

Beauty pageant queens are all cunts.
It doesn't matter how nice
they seem, they are all just cunts.
Love my new email address.
The spam is all gone!
How will my cock get bigger?

I enjoy picking my nose
It feels really nice
Don't like it? That's your problem.

Up next, how to get advertising into poetry