The Doctor Is In

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, not only am I a poorly educated hack writer, but I am also a certified self-help guru specializing in all sorts o' advice and answers to your various problems. In an effort to further enhance the confidence of our fellow sick fucks, I offer my services to YOU, our readers. I have a vast storehouse of advice locked up somewhere in this model glue-addled brain of mine, so in an effort to save my soul and perhaps yours, I contacted a few fellow fans and asked them to contribute to this column. Who knows, if all goes well, and you want YOUR NAME under the harsh perverted lights of the internet's scummiest critics, email me with your questions. Perhaps I'll be sober enough to answer them in the coming weeks.

Dear John,
I am an 19 year old freshman in college. Let me just first say that I LOVE this site and I think that you are the craziest mutherfucker to put type to computer screen! Rock the fuck on, yo. Here's the problem: all through out high school, I never got laid. Believe me, I tried. I hung out with the cool crowd, I played fucking football for 3 years, and made it my mission to to at least try to get some ass. But it never happened. Maybe I was just too shy but shit, John, even when I finally got a girlfriend in the 12th grade, she never wanted to go any further than second base. Not even a fucking hummer, dude! So right before I was going to go to college, the few understanding friends told me that college was like a veritable non-stop suck and fuck party. I guess I went to the wrong college because I STILL CAN'T SEEM TO GET FUCKING LAID! HELP! What the fuck am I doing wrong?
-Todd in Wichita

The Doctor's Advice:

Dear Todd,
It's fairly evident, at least in MY eyes, that you are a either one of two things: 1. A self denying closet case fag, or; 2. The ugliest motherfucker alive. Because quite honestly, college in Anytown, USA IS a cornucopia of hot young nubile sluts looking to get their greasy tight cockpits stretched open by any and all means necessary. At least that's what college was for ME. Perhaps your problem is that you try too hard, Todd. You admit your own lack of self-confidence by stating you "hung out with the cool crowd". True players ARE the cool crowd, Todd. And football for three years? If that ain't a blatant cry for a wanton desire to chuggle some trouser-snake, I don't what is. Face the facts, Todd. You should seriously just end this sad charade of "trying" to score some pussy. Go out, smell all pretty, head your virgin ass over to the nearest "ManHole" bar, and get your cherry bunghole slammed by another football player. It MAY just change your life, Todd. And who cares if your letting another man slap his hairy ballsack against your own? At least you'll be finally be getting laid. Or you could just get a chick drunk, wait until she passes out, and reenact the end scene from "Kids".

Dear John,
You are an asshole. And your grammur is fcking atroshis. How the fuck did u get this job annyway you stupid hippie asshat?
-SkYn3t_666 in location withheld

The Doctor's Advice:

Dear SkYn3t_666,
The stupidity of this email amazes to the point of being speechless, but I'll try my best to at least attempt to answer your sole question. Not to divulge any of my secrets, but the process I went through to became a lowly part-time writer involved, and not in any particular order:

1. A vigorous and intensive obstacle course, complete with swinging vines and snapping alligators.
2. A torturous 43 hour hike through the deserts of the Arizona/Mexico border as my boss' personal drug mule, smuggling 18 pounds of latex wrapped pure Colombian coca snuggled lovingly inside my lower intestine, and;
3. You must have "atroshis fcking grammur".
Now eat my fuck, you snaggletoothed inbred shitneck. "Asshat" is SOOOOOO 6 months ago.

Dear John,
How can I get my long lost son to call me?
- Your Mom

The Doctor's Advice:

Dear Mom,
Maybe you could APOLOGIZE for touching me that one time while I was bathing. UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!!!

So, folks, if you** desire to see your name shamed in lights, you know where to send an email. I gotta go cry in the shower now, knees tucked tight to my chest in the fetal position, waiting for the hot water to run out.


*Editor's Note: John is in NO way a doctor, NOR does he actually care about your feelings. He probably is just looking for sex, i.e. send all questions to Dr. John at your own risk.
**Editor's Second Note: Danny is in NO way "offering" himself to any male readers who would interested in snuggling his cock and balls, like Todd so secretly desires. This exclusive offer is only valid to sex starved college girls.