The Doctor Is In....Again

Open your hearts people, and your minds, as we once again delve into the darkest, most foulest pits of depraved self-help advice. Time once again for me to answer the few readers brave enough to send me their questions in a futile effort to bring some sort of closure to their meaningless and drab lives. Jesus on a fucking pogo-stick, I do so love my job.

The Patient Asks:
Doctor John,You see, I don't know what to do. I have a little problem. There is this hot ass 17 yr old gurl that gives very good blowjobs, and I am 19. I didn't want to go all the way with her because of the laws and bullshit, but if she can fuck as good as she sucks, it makes it all most seem worth going to prison. But I don't know if anyone would even find out. What should I do? - Brandon V.

The Doctor's Advice:
You pose an interesting question, young master Brandon. Do you, a man who is ONLY two years older than Little Miss Sucks-cock-alot, dare dive down that slimy, yet oh so velvety tight slope into statutory rape? Or do you have the moral fiber to wait out the brutally long 365 days until her underage vagina becomes magically open for business? Without parental consent, Brandon, what you've done is still just plain illegal in the eyes of the law, no matter how jaded and unfair it seems. It just doesn't seem fair, does it? I mean, this chick of yours is just one cunt hair shy of being allowed to star in "Black Dicks/White Chicks 18", and from your description it also sounds like she's a pro at checking for hernias using her mouth, but I still think waiting out for a year to plug her ass is infinitely better than spending the next twelves years or so getting YOUR ass plugged. A wiser man than I would also probably suggest that you NOT admit to receiving blowjobs from an underage girl, but who am I to judge?

The Patient Asks:
John,I have become aware of a few things about you. For instance, you are a desperate failure of a human being. Often you feel the urge to suckfuck the elderly. Ugly fat girls think they are pretty around you. Reacharounds get you a second date. Everyone thinks you are mildly entertaining. Poor, homeless niggaboos offer you change. Little children french kiss your peehole. You dream of one day tea-bagging Mr. T. To be honest, you might get cooler over time. Oh, wait, you are fucking queer. Two words for you: Failed Abortion. Happiness is something you believe is in kid's anuses. If you could be a plant, you would be a faggot. Sometimes you forget to suck and just blow. Your mother was a post-op fireman. Of all the faces in stock, you had to get a goat nutsack. Understanding this will make you a more efficient faggot. Africans think you are stupid. Rimjobbing dachsunds make you feel like a man. Even if you were a fan, you'd still suck. A wise man once said, "John fucks man fanny". Fun Fact: Your posts are boring and fucking lame. As we know, you're too fucking incompetent to respond. Got any professional explanation for this, clitwit?- Richard B.

The Doctor's Advice:
Well, Dick, while your attempt to get my goad up has certainly piqued my interest, the fact that you had to rely on an insult generator speaks volumes about your own creativity. But you are right about one thing though: I do so desperately dream about tea-bagging Mr. T. But in my dreams, Mr. T is lying in his death bed, cancer-ridden, and so far into remission he can barely defend himself as I sneak into his hospital room. And as I stand over his weak and sickly body, my gigantic floppy ol' wrinkly ball sack dangling over his spittle encrusted mouth, the only words he can weakly eek out are:

"Wow, those balls of yours, John...those are much bigger than Richard B's."
Then he gags to death on my sweaty testes. As a doctor, I'd hate to see him suffer in pain.

The Patient Asks:
Dear John,i'm a 34 single mom...kinky as fuck and always horny... when can i suck your cock?M- Blood Princess

The Doctor's Advice:
Dear Princess,This Saturday afternoon, from 3-4 pm, I will be waiting for you behind the dumpster of the Waffle House off of Hwy 27 in Newark, NJ. Any time later than that, and it's your loss, honey. I'll be the guy jerking off to old comics of "Mr. T and his Super Friends". Do me a favor though. Leave the kids at home. Nothing gets me out of the mood faster than a bunch of screaming kids. Hell, do a good job, and I might even buy you some hash browns afterwards.

Wondering if I just blew my chances with a 34 year old single mom,

*Editor's Note: John is still in NO way a doctor, NOR does he actually care about your feelings. He probably is still just looking for sex, i.e. send all questions to Dr. John at your own risk. In fact, if there was a way to wrap your email in latex, I'd advise you use two.