I Can't Get No Sleep

Who do I have to blow to get an appointment with a fucking psychiatrist?

Let me explain.

I am, I guess, an insomniac (I hesitate to use the term “insomniac” because it is a medical term and I am not a doctor, though I do know a lot about recreational drugs). Though I don’t always have trouble falling asleep, my sleep is restless and intermittent, occasionally broken by a dream that is too vivid or by an impending sense of urgency.

I have been a like this for quite some time, but over the past few months it’s gotten worse. I have also been having extremely vivid dreams. I know, I know - everybody wakes up and says, “Man, that dream felt like it was real”, but the only way I can explain my dreams is to say that they are even more vivid than those dreams and much more frequent. And these dreams are either extremely horrifying or extremely boring. I gotta say, the boring ones I don’t mind - it’s the really, really scary ones I could live without. But it is a major let down to wake up after having a crazy dream to find myself alone, in the shower, with only my socks on. Talk about a whole other level of disappointment.

I went to my doctor and told him about this. He, like God, hates me, so instead of prescribing me sleeping pills, he suggested I go “talk to someone” about this. I have recently been given additional responsibilities at work (a sort of default “well, the only one available that can do it is John”-type promotion), and because of this my doctor thinks my “high stress” job could be the reason for my trouble sleeping. My question is: what is so high stress about my job? The four hours a day I spend on emails? The six hours a day I listen to music? Or the two hours a day I spend on the phone with my friends? You choose.

But I’m open to it. I always knew I’d have to see a psychiatrist some day, so I guess it’s good to do so before I become a sex offender, rather than after (sorry, that should read “convicted sex offender”). The problem is that it’s very hard to get an appointment. They’re either all booked up or they only do “medication management” or they’re no longer accepting my insurance - what the fuck?

So I will say this: when I go ape-shit and start picking dudes off from the top of my building because I can’t sleep, that blood with be on your hands Mr. M.D.

Bastard.