Dealbreaker

What is a dealbreaker? It’s hard to define. Dealbreakers are not limited to sexual or romantic relationships; they can be in friendships as well.

There are only a few things that will automatically disqualify anyone from being my friend. For example, I can’t be friends with any guy who says “I don’t really like food or music.” Liking one but not the other is fine, but both is a no-no. I mean, what the hell do you do with your time? Food and music are probably 80% of my day (the other 20% is pretending to do work). What are we supposed to talk about?

Another example is that I can not be friends with any guy who goes to the tanning salon all year long. I can see maybe going before you head on vacation, but all year round is a no good. I can’t be friends with anyone, male or female, who thinks Matchbox 20 “rocks” or “kicks ass.” I don’t think I need to explain why.

And now I have another dealbreaker: people who wear colored contact lenses. And I’m not talking about weird people who were yellow or black (although they are disqualified too), but people who for whatever reason decide that changing their eye color is a good idea.

My friend just got these, and now she has blue eyes. She’s Asian. And now she has fake blue eyes.

I have so many questions about this, I don’t even know where to begin. Are you hoping people won’t notice? Or do you hope they do notice and they say something like, “Oh, hey - nice eyes.” Is it a forever thing? Or are you going to switch it up every week/day?

And what makes you consider this a good idea? How did you decide to do this? What are you hoping to accomplish with this? What happens if you meet someone, and they think you have blue eyes, and you really don’t? I mean, what the fuck?