Predictions

Gather round, children, and heed these lessons well. Tis I, the great all-seeing Johndini, seer of the ages and keeper of the Akashic records. Take note, for I have seen the future of what will come to be in this, the fifth year of the 21 first century...and I bring grim tidings indeed. Shudder in fear at what I, Johndini of the Bukkake tribe of gypsies, have seen:

1: Quebec and Newfoundland will secede from Canada, and a massive civil war will occur.
Surprisingly, none of us here in the United States will pay much attention as hundreds of thousands of Canadians begin to fight tooth, nail and mullet against each other. The slaughter will be horrible, and bloodied hockey sticks will mark the graves of each soldier. Quebec will commit the most horrible atrocities of the war, completely carpet bombing the vast maple leaf forests of Canada, depriving us all of the sweet nectar that is maple syrup. Only then, as millions of American kids decry the move and Eggo waffle stocks plummet, will we take notice...but by then, it will be too late. The various provinces of Canada will retaliate with nuclear force, and millions more will die in a flash of radiation unseen since Hiroshima. The next day, we Americans will forget about it.

2: Plans to revive the corpse of Ronald Reagan will be successful
A dark and perverse cabal of Neo-conservative Republicans will accomplish the impossible sometime late 2005. Using a combination of advanced Area 51 nano-technology, ancient Babylonian magic, and good ol' American know-how...the rotted corpse of Ronald Reagan will be brought back to life in a bid to secure the GOP's stronghold on Congress and the Senate. Armed with liberal crushing pneumatic arms, a laser guided pompadour, and the entire Bible scripture downloaded into his memory banks, this uber-Reagan will successfully make his bid for the 2008 presidential election as the ONLY candidate left to chose. Why the ONLY one, you ask? In 2006, uber-Reagan will successfully pass legislation stating that affiliation with a political party other than the GOP is a crime punishable by death.

3: Mount St. Helens will explode; Washington and California destroyed
In the largest volcanic eruption since Krakatoa, Mount St. Helens will explode, flinging all types of volcanic doody up into the atmosphere, blacking out the sun and crippling our nation's heartland. Not only that, but the resulting earthquakes that will occur will cause tidal waves rivaling those of the Southeast Asia disaster, washing away Washington state and California in a deluge of frothy Pacific ocean water. Nobody seems to mind much.

4: Iraq will become one of the leading successful examples of Democracy in the Middle East The great Johndini has been known to be wrong sometimes, though.

5: Jay-Z will be shot dead in a hail of bullets
Millions will mourn the death of rapper Jay-Z, who will be shot to death by unknown assailants. He will be recognized as the greatest rapper of all time, and just like Biggie and 'Pac, his death will go unsolved. Mysteriously, every 6 months, he will release a new album with both 'Pac AND Biggie. In a bid to cement his popularity amidst the legends of Hip Hop, rapper Chingy will commit suicide and try to make it look like a murder. Again, no one seems to care.

6: "Sister" porn will become the new hotness
In a bold move, porn involving the lesbian acts of certified sisters will become more popular than any other form of adult entertainment. Congress will pass legislation that will make this beautiful act of incest perfectly legal and morally OK. Puff's Plus stock skyrockets as men the world over spank it to videos of Paris and Nikki Hilton wrestling each other in a tub full of K-Y and dildos, hopped up on ketamine and Bailey's. Not ones to be outdone, Jessica and Ashlee Simpson become the most successful incest/lesbian duo since Abbot and Costello, but it will be discovered shortly afterward that Ashlee was just using a stunt pussy instead of her own. For shame, Ashlee...for shame.

7: Jesus will return to his earthly form to reclaim his "kingdom"
...and promptly leaves in disgust after he see's what we've done to it.

So there you have it, faithful sick fucks, the gospel according to the great Johndini. These things I have seen, so too shall they come to pass. My track record for this type of thing is quite remarkable, I can assure you, so heed my words with great trepidation, or else etc...etc...blah blah blah terms and conditions apply see store for details. 4.9% A.P.R. for those with good credit.

Keepin' it rizzo, in the deuce dubba lo fizzo,