Vespa, Sweet Vespa

Jose was seething with excitement. I use the word "seething" only because Jose, isn't one to smile. Actually, I've never seen the man smile. I've only seen him seethe. So, today, as he showed what it was that was making seethe, I began to seethe myself.

Jose, my dear friend Jose, bought a Vespa. It's teal. And he had the nerve to bring it to where I work.

I got the phone call around noon. "John...I've got to show you something awesome. I'll be over in half an hour, you should hear me coming"

I thought Jose bought a Lamborghini. Maybe a Harley Davidson. I mean, you could hear those a mile away.

As I'm standing outside taking a smoke break, I hear a lawnmower in the distance...and it's coming closer. I look up and what do I see? A teal fucking Vespa.

He pulls up, hops off, we say our hellos, and Jose begins by pointing at his new Vespa (did I mention that it was teal?) full of excitement.

"It's going to save me money, time, and aggravation.”

My friend Jose bought a Vespa.

We walked around the Vespa like you would a Porsche or any other car. I wasn’t really paying any attention to Jose since I could no longer take anything he said seriously. Ever. He, my friend, bought a teal power scooter. He shall be forever shamed.

I realize that it is not me who will have to be seen riding this Vespa through the pot-holed streets of Jersey, but it will be my friend Jose. Did I mention that he has a matching teal helmet? Oh, yes, he got a deal on the helmet. It's teal.

People in my neighborhood know Jose as my friend. So, as he "drives" up to my place violently honking the "horn", people will say, "Look! That's John's friend riding the Vespa. Is it blue?"

"People think it's blue, but it's teal."

I hate Jose so much.

I don't know who designed the Vespa. I could easily find out, but my money is on either the Italians or the French. Someone envisioned riding this glorified bicycle with their Armani suit through the streets of either Paris or Milan. I’m being ignorant in blaming the French and the Italians, so I'll actually look up who designed this...

Oh, look at that. Italians. My apologies to the French. Sorry. I still hate that you invented the beret, but I’ll give you a pass this time.

Yes, it gets good gas mileage. Yes, they’re easy to park. Yes, they’re cheaper than buying a car. But it’s a FUCKING Vespa!

Vespa, in Spanish (and probably in Italian) means wasp. WASP, to Jose, should mean the guy who isn’t going to give him a job or let him date his daughter. Especially now that he drives a teal Vespa.

I can see the Armani-clad, sunglasses indoors Italian designer screaming "Mama mia!" and thinking he is a genius. I then see myself kicking him in the neck. Teal. What the hell color is that anyway?

My friend Jose bought a Vespa. It's teal. It's fucking teal…that prick.