Le Bookshelf

I am writing this post for the sole purpose of excoriating my friend Rebecca, who is now in Korea, away from such modern amenities as email and anti-perspirant and thus can’t defend herself.

The situation: Rebecca's friend's boyfriend moved to Tokyo and did not take his bookshelf. John can have the bookshelf for free if he wants, all he has to do is pick it up. John does want.

The conversation:

John: "Is the bookshelf heavy?"
Rebecca: "No, it’s not very heavy."
John: "How big is it?"
Rebecca: "It’s big."
John: "Is it bigger than you [Rebecca is approximately 5'5"]?"
Rebecca: "Yeah, it’s bigger than me."
John: "Ok, I’ll take it."

I enlisted the help of my friend Mike, who has a Jeep, to drive me from my place to the apartment of the girl now living in the apartment of the boyfriend who went to Tokyo (are you with me?), who has the bookshelf.

After being buzzed in and walking up to the fifth floor, Mike and I were greeted by Katie who showed us the bookshelf.

To put it mildly, the bookshelf was probably the largest bookshelf ever assembled in the Western Hemisphere. It nearly touched the ceiling, and when measured was nine feet tall. Simply fucking gigantic.

The result: Mike and I could barely get it out of the apartment, making several dents in Katie’s hallway while attempting to do so, and it didn’t fit in Mike’s Jeep, making it impossible for us to properly close the hatchback of the Jeep. Quick thinkers that we are, we devised a contraption made of a shoelace and plastic bag which held Mike’s Jeep hatch closed just enough for us to drive through the New Brunswick at 8PM, amidst honks and yells of cab drivers in languages originating either in the West Indies or the subcontinent of India. Needless to say, it was a miserable experience.

The point: Rebecca, you could have given a little more detail than just telling me the bookshelf was bigger than you. I mean, it was TWICE the size of you. Because of this lack of communication, my fat ass had to sit all crouched-up in the back of a Jeep, steadying a bookshelf with one hand, and holding a fucking shoelace tied to a door in the other.

I mean, damn it. C’mon - I am WAY too fat for that kinda shit.