Peeing My Pants

While getting a haircut this week, I had a laughing attack like I haven’t had since high school.

Remember in school when something stupidly funny would happen while the teacher was talking, and you and your friend would start laughing? And then for whatever reason, you’d keep laughing? The teacher would continue talking and before you know it you and your friend would devolve into shaking heaps of flesh, your laughter completely out of control, tears coming from your eyes?

Well, that happened to me at the hair salon this week (and yes, I went to a hair salon because my barber was on vacation). I was getting another terrible haircut when I thought of a funny, Jackass-type idea. You know how there’s a big flourish when the hairdresser puts the apron on you - it’s the first thing they do when you sit and then they whisk it off you after the haircut, as a way of saying "ta da!" to the new and improved you? Well, might it be kinda funny if during the time the apron is on you, you piss yourself, so that when she finally takes it off you have a huge piss stain in your pants?

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No? Well, it was funny at the time.

And more importantly, it caused me to absolutely lose my shit, right there in the chair. At first it started with a mild chuckle. Then I thought to myself, "Dude, stop laughing." Of course, that only made it worse. Before I knew it I was shaking in the chair and the hairdresser had pulled away, asking, slightly pissed off, what was so funny. Since this was a very large black woman who said "MmmmHmm" and "Girlfriend!" several times while talking to her co-worker (I think she even once threw in a random "Chaka Khan!"), I didn’t think she’d get my lame-ass white boy joke if I said, "I was just thinking about pissing my pants," not to mention that she had scissors inches from my eyes, head, and neck. So I said "Nothing, nothing" eventually lamely offering, "I’m a comedian and I just thought of a funny bit." The rest of the haircut was, believe it or not, very awkward.

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You know what? I just read that over. It’s terrible. Let’s just get moving.

(It was funny at the time - you just had to be there.)

(Dicks.)