Swinging My Bell

This might surprise some of my younger readers, but having a girlfriend isn't all titty-fucking and magic like the movies make it out to be. It's actually pretty hard. I mean, I'll be the first one to admit that when I was younger, I wasn't completely in tune with the needs of a woman. Mostly because they were on Cinemax and I was just masturbating. But as I've matured into the man I am today, I can't help but wonder why my grandma's prediction that I would be the most handsome boy around, hasn't translated into me consistently getting laid. Is my grandma a liar? It's possible.

(I've always questioned in the back of my mind whether or not angels really get their wings from something as ridiculous as a bell ringing. There are probably thousands of bells ringing around the world right now. When you think about it on that kind of scale it just doesn't seem very likely at all)

To get back on topic, there have got to be other reasons why I can't keep a woman. I've done some thinking, and I realized that I've never been very good at putting much effort into anything. So there it is. I've decided that that is the number one reason for me not being able to maintain a relationship for any longer than it takes (Chinese restaurants) to skin a cat.

So now that I know the problem, what do I do about it? Something mature? Something constructive? Something involving demon worship? No, all those are good, but they're just not me. Instead I've decided to completely disregard the woman's feelings and squeeze every fucking ounce of sex that I can out of the two months that I share with my next "girlfriend". It's a win/win situation. We'll each get what we want: I'll have empty sex and end up alone watching Highlander: Endgame again; and she doesn't have to endure my awkward attempts at conversation after I've used up all the stories that I stole from old Reader's Digests and passed off as my own. Until I find that next special lady, I think I'm just gonna spend my time walking around swinging a bell at people and screaming that I'm helping angels. I'll let fate take its course from there.