No Sleepy Time

I fought a major bout with insomnia last night. And I lost. Big time.

I’m used to such sleeping struggles, but I usually have a little warning. I realize that when I’m stressed about something during the day, this stress will only be amplified when the lights go out. Sometimes I still manage to fall asleep. Sometimes I do not.

Last night, I had no warning. I had a leisurely night, a couple of beers, and went to bed at a reasonable time. But then I kept tossing and turning. And tossing and turning some more. Only then did the worrying start.

It starts reasonably enough. I’ll think to myself, "Hmmm…let’s see. Mortgage payment is due soon, and that’s $xx. But in my checking account, I only have $yy. So it looks like I have to come up with $zz in the next eight days. I can live on one kidney, right? If not, even though my semen is all broken and dead, I can probably still sell it for half price. I think."

But before I know it, my worries spiral out of control. It’ll go from money to work to women to loneliness to things like, "Oh my god - IRAN! Those guys are crazy! What are we going to do about IRAN! Wait a minute! It’s supposed to rain tomorrow! And I don’t have an umbrella! Fuck! What am I going to do about Iran and my umbrella situation! Shit!"

And so it went for me until the sun came up. I beat off to relieve the tension, but that didn’t work. I took not one but two "calming" showers to try to ease myself into sleep, but they didn’t work either. Finally, at 5:45 this morning I started getting ready for work (I usually wake up at 8am). I did everything but get dressed, then fucked around, watched TV, hung out. Then I decided to go back to bed at around 7:45. Naturally, I slept the sleep of the dead and woke up to my alarm at 8:30. Getting out of bed at that time was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done; I can’t imagine childbirth is much harder.

When I have a night like this, I’ll usually call in sick and spend the day sleeping. However, I called in sick only a few weeks ago (for a legit reason) and had a bunch of work to do today, so I’m in the office. I’ve been a zombie all day long, staring at the clock in the lower right corner of my computer screen. I imagine my co-workers think I’m on painkillers. Maybe the more street-savvy ones think H is my drug of choice. One drug I have not had today is caffeine, because I’m going to go home, eat dinner, take two Xanax and drink a glass of wine, and sleep for 14 hours - and I don’t want caffeine to mess that up for me. I had plans tonight, but I’m canceling them. I’m beat. I need a night to myself.

And so I write you this post not out of my desire to entertain you, the impulse from which all other posts are borne, but rather to help me pass the time. I clarify this because I just read this post over and it sucks. I’m sorry about this. But not too sorry, since I’ve totally just killed about eight minutes writing this.

Now I have to get back to wallowing in the depression and irritation and insecurity that goes hand in hand with insomnia. But it’s almost four o’clock. Sweet Xanax, you will be mine shortly.