I Am Constantly Amazed At The Stupidity Of Fat People

I myself am a fat person, but this isn’t some sort of self-loathing thing. Because while I’m fat, I ain’t fucking real fat. When I say "fat" in this context, I’m talking about the people who get two Double Whoppers at Burger King, whereas my type of fat only gets one, and maybe a Hershey Sundae Pie. Big difference there.

(And now I’m hungry.)

The the building of the physical therapist I go to has revolving doors. Most Western people are familiar with how these work. You step into them, push on the door in front of you, enter a tube, continuing both pushing and walking through a quarter-circle, reach the outside, and (and this is important) continuing walking away from the revolving doors so the person behind can escape them.

As I was leaving their office yesterday, I headed to the revolving doors to exit. In front of me were two overweight women heading outside to grab a smoke. The first was mildly obese while the second has half-human/half-rhinoceros. The less fat woman entered the doors, followed by the rhino, followed by me.

The less fat woman made it through and cleanly exited, but Ms. Rhino messed it up. She made it through the doors, but when she left them, instead of walking away from them so that the next person (me) could get out, she immediately stopped to light her cigarette. The result was that I came out of the doors (there was a person behind me as well) and stumbled into the Rhino, nearly tripping over one of her tree-trunk ankles and making a small scene.

Of course, Ms. Rhino was not happy about this. In front of the small crowd, she turned around and angrily scolded me, saying, "Why don’t you watch where you’re going?" The incident happened so fast and I was so flustered that I could only mumble an "I’m sorry." Then I got a death stare from the Rhino, who continued to mumble something like, "He better watch where he’s going next time" under her breath as I walked away.

If I had been drunk, I would not have walked away so quietly. If I could go back in time, I wouldn’t have been so meek about the incident. Not only because it was clearly her fault, but also because she was morbidly obese. And I mean that literally - she is so fat that she could die at any moment.

So I stomped the rest of the way to my car, revisiting the scene in my head, with one major difference: When she says, "What don’t you watch where you’re going?, I respond with something like, "Why don’t you learn how to properly use a revolving door, Fat Chops? Here, I’ll help you out: next time you come out of the door, pretend like they’re giving away free cheeseburgers across the street. That should get you moving, Chunky." Or perhaps I would have still said "I’m sorry", but would have done it slightly differently, like, "Geez, I’m really sorry you stopped walking and caused me to run into you. So sorry about being right. And I’m sorry that you have lost all self-respect and are grossly overweight. As proof that I’m sorry, would you like to take a bite of me? You know, since you’re really fucking fat and all? Maybe I’ll go across the street to Subway and cover my thigh in mayo - would you like that, Chubb Rock? If not, I think I might have an old Snickers in my bag. Let me check."

I’m going to be fat for the rest of my life. My dreams of being skinny ended sometime around 8th grade. But if I ever get so fat that I turn my fat anger on those around me because I can’t move properly, please shoot me.