Blue Balls

I was talking to a female friend today when I made some lame joke about blue balls. My female friend said, "Yeah, they don’t exist."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Blue balls, they don’t exist."

She then proceeded to tell me that it’s a scientific fact that blue balls are all psychological, a product of a man’s frustration upon not having an orgasm. There is no real physical pain, just mental frustration/anguish.

I informed her that blue balls do, in fact, exist, as I have had them several times.

She said it was all in my head.

I said it wasn’t.

This went back and forth for quite a while, and for some reason, got me more fired up than I had been in years. How can a woman, who does not (presumably) have testes, talk to me with any authority about testes?

It was eventually settled when I went on the internet and proved that blue balls, technically called vasocongestion, do exist. According to Discovery Health:

When a man becomes sexually excited, the arteries carrying blood to the genital area enlarge, while the veins carrying blood from the genital area are more constricted than in the non-aroused state. This uneven blood flow causes an increase in volume of blood trapped in the genitals and contributes to the penis becoming erect and the testicles becoming engorged with blood. During this process of vasocongestion the testicles increase in size 25-50 percent.

If the male reaches orgasm and ejaculates, the arteries and veins return to their normal size, the volume of blood in the genitals is reduced and the penis and testicles return to their usual size rather quickly.

If ejaculation does not occur there may be a lingering sensation of heaviness, aching, or discomfort in the testicles due to the continued vasocongestion. This unpleasant feeling has popularly been called blue balls, perhaps because of the bluish tint that appears when blood engorges the vessels in the testicles.

This was news to me. I always thought that blue balls were the result of semen that had left the testes in preparation for ejaculation getting stuck in the vas deferens, the tube that connects the balls to the bird, but apparently I was wrong. In fairness to my female friend, who wished to remain nameless here, Discovery Health goes on to say:

The condition usually does not last long and the level of pain associated with blue balls is usually minor and can be exaggerated. Most men have been socialized to ejaculate when they get an erection during sexual activity. Failure to ejaculate and to feel orgasm often adds frustration and disappointment to the reality of the physical sensation.

Ok, yeah, sure, maybe part of the pain is psychological. But guess what? It sucks when some drunk chick is rubbing your bird through your jeans for a half hour and then passes out, leaving you with a chaffed penis, a raging boner, and some chick you just meet at the all-night Chinese food place an hour before snoring in your bed. Also, she has a weird smell to her, kinda like formaldehyde or maybe like warm bleu cheese.

The point is that blue balls exist. They are real. They suck. And I get them all the time. Hell, I’ve had very good hugs give me blue balls, but I don’t want to get into this now.