Funeral Guests

I was thinking the other day...

Before I die, I think it would be funny to send some random celebrity a chunk of money and ask them to just make an appearance at my funeral...just to fuck with people. At my funeral, you would hear things like, "Is that John Stamos?! John knew John Stamos? How the hell did he know John Stamos?!"

So it invoked the question, if you could send $5000 to any celebrity and have them make a tearful appearance at your funeral, who would it be?

Initially I thought it would be cool to have a supermodel at mine, but then I thought that I wanted Manute Bol to stop by and pay his respects. But something about John Stamos stuck in my head. So I had to put more thought into this. I mean really, I'd be doing this for everyone else's benefit, as my "last laugh", so it'd have to be good.

But after much pondernig (involving lots of pot, Cheez Whiz, and some crackers) I think I'd have to take this in a different direction. Instead of getting someone as "big" as Stamos, who would probably cost a good deal of money, I'd rather go after a C-list celebrity, or if possibly, two D-list celebrities.

With this line of thinking, I thought about this long and hard this morning, and wrote down some ideas (as opposed to my normal routine: thinking up a great idea somewhere during my morning coffee, obsessing over it, and then completely forgetting it when I get into work and try to write it down).

So my celebrity would be Thomas Dolby, the guy who sang "She Blinded Me With Science." Something about that song is so hypnotizing, and Dolby is so, so erotically-charged that I'd have to have him at my funeral. I can see it now:

My friend Ben: "Who the hell is that guy?"
My friend Jeremy: "I think that's Thomas Dolby."
Ben: "Who?"
Jeremy: "You know, the guy who sang that song 'She Blinded Me With Science.'"
Ben: "Really? That's him? What the hell is he doing here?"
Jeremy: "I don't know - maybe him and John went to college together or something."
Ben: "I don't think that's possible."
Jeremy: "Do you know if there's an open bar after this?"
Ben: "God I hope so."
Jeremy: "Jesus, I can't believe he's finally dead. I can't say I didn't see this coming, but what was he doing sticking his dick in an electrical outlet anyway?"
Ben: "Dude, don't knock it 'til you've tried it, because it feels pretty fucking good."

I think Dolby would come pretty cheap, so with the leftover money, I'd love to get any one of the following to make an appearance:

- The one-armed drummer from Def Leppard
- Buddy from "Charles In Charge"
- R2D2
- Andrew Ridgely (the other guy from Wham!)
- One of the crappy Baldwins (preferably Daniel)
- Vicki, the robot from "Small Wonder"
- DJ Jazzy Jeff
- 1988 Nobel Prize Winner Maurice Allais (Economics)
- The lead singer of the Fine Young Cannibals
- Crappy quarterback Vinny Testaverde
- Any major star's brother ("Is that Eric Clapton's brother?")
- Chris de Burgh, the guy who sang "Lady In Red"
- All three members of Bell Biv Devoe
- One of the Jackson 5 (Steve?)
- One of the New Kids on the Block (Danny?)
- One of the Pointer Sisters
- Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers

I'll stop here, otherwise I'll have my entire funeral packed with celebrities.

I should probably start saving up for this, as I think my untimely death is coming soon, but I can't say for sure. I'm not really good with that whole "making promises and keeping them" thing. It's just how I was raised.