A Few End O'Summer Party Tips

It may seem like it's been a while since I've busted vile verbal vomit for you. You will have to excuse me; I've been very busy clouding my peanut-sized brain with copious doses of drugs and liquor. My busy one-man party schedule may have slowed my writing down some, but I have picked up some great tips that may help spice up the doldrums of your summer's dog daze.

For a bender, you need a crew. Most of your working friends know better than to hang out with you on a Tuesday night. They already know this from waking up the last eight Wednesdays morning's "worst hangover ever" and are not about to do it again. It is helpful to create some helpful euphemisms based abound the "let's go out for one drink" lie.

When I write "John's Big Book of Lies" these will be the three biggest lies of all time:

1. "The check is in the mail."
2. "No, I won't cum in your mouth."
3. "Let's go out for a (singular) drink.

People are immune to #3 by now. That is why I find it helpful to suggest "a light evening of {insert activity here}. For this ambiguous "activity" you need to make sure that it's the one thing your friend is least able to turn down, but not be done in excess. For example: "Let's go out for a light evening of {whoring}."

It works every time; it's just a little food and drink - nothing to fancy, but once you've you are out - you must begin:

RAISING THE ODDS: When "raising the odds" you take whatever poison you picked and pump it up a notch. Not enough sluts around? Raise the odds. Only mildly drunk? Raise the odds. On drugs yet? Raise the fuckin' odds! At first you accomplice will resist your attempt to "raise the odds", but as an experienced "odds raiser" him or herself, said accomplice will know that resistance is futile and nothing but a ruse. I myself am an admitted odds raiser; so raise the fucking odds -- you only live once, but then you are faced with another big decision: Whether to GO BIG?

GOING BIG: Nothing good ever happens when you "go big". However, it can be a hell a lot of fun. Usually it is best to plan to "go big" in advance - have prearranged bail money, the next day free to extend the bender into, keep 400 Advil on hand to deal with your hangover, and a lawyer or two can be handy - but often you might "raise the odds" and accidentally "go big"! If you want to have fun, sometimes, you've got to pay. It is helpful to have some "big boy" apparel (aviator glasses, fur coats, etc) to signify to those known to you that you are "going big" and they can distance themselves appropriately. A large group will often impede "going big" in which as you will find it helpful to have an ASPARAGUS PLAN.

OPERATION ASPARAGUS: During an "Asparagus Operation" you and your coolest friend ditch whatever large group of lame guys you are currently with to hopefully "raise the odds" and "go big". When one of you says the word "asparagus" you quietly break off from the pack unnoticed and hopefully move on to raise some real hell - as will be identified by the color coded threat level of your gums:

THE THREAT LEVEL OF YOUR GUMS: Oftentimes, the process of "going big" can be a treacherous one; it is helpful to remind your peers of just what level you are on by giving periodic updates on the exact status of your gums:

"My gums are a fine shade of cobalt blue." = Early stages of beer intoxication (6-8 beers) perhaps mixed in with some marijuana.

"My gums are a deep hue of alabaster." = Liquor intake accelerating -- Jagermeister has definitely kicked in at this point. It won't be long until…

"My gums are indeed a fine shade of chartreuse." = Over fifteen beers, perhaps some martinis, definite Jagermeister intake, cocaine has now entered the equation.

"My gums are a fine efervescent shade of bright magenta." = A rare and glorious time. Psychedelics are at play here. Gums do not turn bright magenta until at least the twelfth hour of a good stretch. Indeed, ones brain may be a fine effervescent shade of bright magenta to boot.

Regardless of the threat level of your gums, weather you're raising the odds, or if want to go big -- remember this as you are in mid-asparagus: Everything that I have mentioned leads but one direction: DOWN. Indeed, the situation will continue to deteriorate till you will find yourself where I've found myself on numerous occasions throughout this summer -- no fancy color coding, just a state of general depravity.