War And Piss

Fuck the oil crisis. Fuck hunger. Fuck global warming.

We have a bigger problem.

Ignored by all media consortiums on this celestial orb, and considered the polio kid that they intend to pick last for their Red Rover playground team by the scientific community, this is a simmering global crisis the likes of which have not been witnessed since a severely self-medicated Elvis donated his lard-filled corpse to the cause of Solving Earthworm Hunger And Improving Soil Nutrition by choking on a banana and peanut butter sandwich. Long Live The King. Go Jiffy.

Here's the situation: EVERY day EVERY human being on this fucking poorly named planet, exhibiting a reckless and wanton disregard for personal financial freedom, brazenly discards what could possibly be humanity's last hope for maintaining the gizmo-saturated, energy addicted culture we have grown incredibly comfortable with. (Don't argue: How the fuck are you reading this?) But what we're talking about is Gold. Liquid Gold. Not that black shit that spews out of rusty Texas rigs with all the exuberance of a 16 year old boy in the back seat of mom's minivan on prom night. No. GOLDEN Liquid Gold.

Piss.

Now, piss has been considered a valuable substance for millenia. Well before the death of that 33-year old long-haired Jew with a penchant for piercings and suspension came along, learned men and women steeped in the medical arts praised the remedial effects of urine. Hell, Jim Morrison, Steve McQueen, and goddamned Gandhi all swore by guzzling their own warm morning hello. Even that standard of hotel dressers everywhere, the Gideon's Bible heaps praise upon the practice of dick-to-mouth liquid refreshment:

Drink waters from thy own cistern, flowing water from thy own well.
- Proverbs 5:15

Two millenia later, and the plethora of remedies your own dirtwater provides has not diminished. If anything, modern research has only expanded the range of ails that urine can deal away with in a neat, recyclative, and slightly salty, manner. Dr. Beatrice Barnett, in her originally titled "Urine-Therapy: It May Save Your Life," lists the following tips for a healthy, urine saturated lifestyle:

1. Drinking: The mid stream of the first morning urine is taken. Begin with two-three ounces and increase it to your personal, comfortable level.

2. Fasts: Fasts with urine and water are practiced for one or more days. J.W.Armstrong, a renowned urine therapist from England, lets his patients fast for up to 45 days. Fasts are only recommend under trained, medical supervision.

3. Enemas: The easiest way to take an enema is with a syringe containing two-three ounces of urine. The urine is kept in the colon for as long as possible.

4. Gargle: Urine is kept in the mouth 20-30 minutes, or as long as possible, for gum problems and other lesions of the mouth and tongue.

5. Douche: For any vaginal discomfort or cleansing, a solution of Golden Seal and urine will give comfort and healing.

6. Eye and ear drops: Any pain, burning and tiredness in the eyes may get relief with a few drops of urine placed into the eyes. The ears also benefit greatly if receiving a few urine drops for ear pain and discomfort.

7. Urine sniffing: This is the most effective way of treatment for any sinus congestion and upper respiratory problems.

If you don't see the rampant possibilities of improving your feelings about the go-nowhere relationship you're in with the increasinly dull and decreasingly sexy lumpy broad you've termed "girlfriend," then you, my friend, are doomed. The rest of you: Next time you need a temporary dick pocket and she plays the sick card, just close your eyes, thank Dr. Barnett, and patiently explain to her in your best boyfriend voice that you just read in a medical journal about a home therapy that could help. Trust me, she'll be intrigued and awed at your sensitivity. Brew her a cup of Earl's Sleepy Time, prop a down pillow under that blabbing noggin, and tell her to relax. Then it's time.

Time to play Fireman.

And when she burbles and gurgles and screams, just explain to her it's medicinal, and maybe next time she should just take an Advil.

But that's NOT what's going to save the world. Singapore is going to save the world. I know, Singapore, a small East Asian country best known for its extremely limber whores and lack of remorse about beating the living shit out of American jocks with bamboo sticks. Personally, those two details alone would put Singapore in my Top 10, but this next item makes them, far and away, the Greatest Country On Earth. They sponsored a research grant.

To develop a urine powered battery.

And it works. We're saved. And when I say "we," I don't mean humanity. I mean us drunks. These days we've been turned into modern day lepers, lambasted by vote-hungry politicians, villified by mothers who haven't gotten the bottom knocked out of them in years, and witch-hunted by local police organizations whose primary goal now is not to protect the peace, but to ensure that the city coffers stay filled to the brim. We've had to cower in dive bars, pass out in bushes, and lock ourselves INTO our own houses, instead of OUT of them.

But not anymore. Now we'll be worshipped, maintained, put on a pedestal. With our ever-dwindling oil resources, humanity will turn to the next most available energy source. And with urine powered batteries on hand, that makes us drunks the next Iraqi oil fields. Our impressive ability to create gallons of urine per night will spawn international wars. When we go out at night, we won't have to worry about police checkpoints, we'll have to worry about those cumbersome police escorts that make sure we have an unobstructed path to the nearest bottle of Wild Turkey. Wall Street will rise and fall in lockstep with our hangovers. In elementary schools, Lawyer and Doctor and Astronaut will play second fiddle to Barfly. It will be a glorious day. That we will only sort of remember.

Because we will be too busy saving the world.

I've got to go take a leak. For America.