Why A Team?

The memo I received today from my boss started, "Dear Team!" or "Hey, Team!" Or maybe it was just "Team!" It doesn't matter. T-E-A-M. There's no "I" in it. But a real team player will helpfully point out that there is "me" in "team." There's also a "mat" in "team," as in "doormat" Thuus, whenever a manager refers to his staff as "My Team," what he is really expressing is:

Are you a "me" or a "mat?" Huh, teammates?

Simply put, this is not just an innocuous greeting from a middle manager that hasn't bothered to read his bosses team-oriented memos about the death of 80s corporate culture. It's really a pit bull with bared, yet hygienically underfunded teeth. And he's saying, "I like my career more than you like yours. I'll prove it by throwing these magical productivity killing nuggets of bullshit your way every once in awhile. Step on one, and it will roll you under that oncoming bus. See how you do."

The truth is, whether a manager means it in the sincerest of lame motivational ways, we are not really a true team at work. A real team has one goal. Our teamesque team has hundreds roaming the hallways. From my radio partner who dreams of being taken seriously as a writer and thinker without actually having to write and think, to the sales assistant who makes delicious homemade fritattas and sells them in the hallway for $2 with free microwaving service. We are more a collection of individuals, climbing over one another to grab our piece of cheese and find the exit. But "Dear Rat Scum" doesn't make a good greeting for a memo. It would be very unteamly.

I suggest that it might be more appropriate to start your motivational memos with "Dear Cooperator." That's essentially what work is. We're cooperating. Our common bond is not to become "meat," which is also in "team" and we'll get on whatever team can provide mutual "me" without the "mat."

Look, fellows. We signed up for work because we have to, and we are all adults who understand and actually like competition. Treat us as such.You don't have to use these little-pussy-hurt-himself-playing-dodgeball-so-the-rest-of-us-have-to-be-punished-to-make-it fair words like "team." And I guaran-damn-tee you, the custom of a manager referring to his employees as a member of the team has it's roots in some long-forgotten lawsuit filed by a member of the Tribe.