The Ides Of March

While St. Patrick's may mean a pint of Guiness and Shamrocks to some, the month of March means much more to me -- namely losing two months salary on March Madness, the ponies starting to run live again, getting drunk on the green beer and, the very best of the batch, Spring Motherfucking Break! Yes, that's right, shitloads of drunken, dickstarved college sluts and their douchebag fraternity fags will make their way to locations around the globe for a week of complete and total madness. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Unless, of course, you do it wrong.

And I’m here to let those who will be making the journey to South Padre Island TX / Matamoros Mexico in on a few things. With my advice, you should make it back to whatever college daddy is paying for without "The Man" holding you down at the border. First things first, driving down will be the easy part. Right before you get to the beach, you'll get to a city called Port Isabel, a nice little town and there is no going around the sonuvabitch. The speed limit is 30. Go 29. Those asshole cops will give you a speeding ticket for anything over 30, every goddamn time. No bullshitting. Once you hit the causeway, go as fast as you want, but watch for any gaping holes in middle. Not to long ago, a barge hit the bridge, collapsed parts into the river and a bunch of poor bastards fell about 80 feet to a watery death.

Now we're off to a place where it starts to get really fun. Nothing beats driving 20 minutes to Mexico to drink dollar beers that come with a complimentary shot of tequila. There are very few rules to go by when you're there, but rules there are, so listen carefully:

Rule 1: No pissing in publicI have seen this firsthand on more than one occasion, when some stupid drunk fuck from, lets say, America, pisses in the street. Guilty as charged. And drunk fuck learns how Mexican State Police ride 14 deep in the back of big ass Dodge Ram trucks, each strapped with an automatic weapon. Let a group of those motherfuckers catch you pissing in public and feel the wrath of the MSP. More than likely, you'll get the bottom end of an AK-47 to the back of the head before pissing all over yourself while catching several boots with each and every part of your body. Then your bitch ass can pay the good men a hefty little bribe, or you can go to jail to get your ass kicked some more, then pay your bribe. Either way, it's your choice.
Rule 2: No fighting.I know, I know, nothing beats drunken fighting in the streets, but the same assholes who will fuck you up for pissing in public, will really beat the living shit out of you for fighting. Trust me. There are more of them. Save the fighting for the good ole United States.

Rule 3: Get your drugs, and get gone.If and when buying prescription medication without a prescription at a Mexican pharmacy get your shit and get the fuck out. Quick. A lot of those sons of bitches will narc you out before you get out the door, And then we're back to bribing Mexican police. So let's review: Get your shit, and get the fuck out. Quick. And be prepared to possibly get questioned and / or searched when getting to the U.S. Shouldn't be too bad, especially during Spring Break. 20 or 30 tabs of Vicodin inside a balloon, stuck up your ass in a car for several hours, that isn't bad at all. So I've heard, I mean. ahem

So let's say you make it back from Mexico alive and manage to not run your drunken friends off the fucking causeway. You still have to drive back to your God forsaken college lives. Now here's the bad part for any of you who may be traveling back with a little contraband. A little less than 3 hours north, there is a United States Border Patrol check point. If you blinked on the way down, you probably missed the place, but that motherfucker is there. About a mile and a half before you reach it, you may see flashing signs that say something like "Drug Searches Up Ahead, Slow Down".

Whatever in the fuck you do, do not stop and do not turn around.

I repeat, do not stop and do not turn around. Your bitch college student asses will be pulled over so quick, you won't know what happened. So let's assume you don't panic and make it to the actual checkpoint, this is where you have to be real cool. The agents will tell you're nervous just by looking at your eyes. Just get completely stoned beforehand, play it cool, and you're good to go.

Your ass is on your own from there. I got you to and from the beach, out of Mexico with drugs and past the check point. My job is done. You're welcome very much. Now party on, fuckers!

P.S. On the way from the beach to Mexico there is a city called Brownsville. Most motherfuckers there run around with a short temper, especially toward loud, obnoxious, drunk gringos. Be cool, don't mean mug anyone and you should be able to breeze right by.