A Steady Diet Of Poo

My girlfriend's ass smells like shit.

Which makes sense, considering what doesn't fall out of her mouth is typically leaking from her crack. But, out of love for her and plain old sick fuck lust, I occasionally have to eat a piece of said ass. So, out of concern for my health, I've taken on the demon questions that have plagued man since he first squatted in the cave: Why does shit stink so bad? And more importantly, Can I do anything to make my girlfriend's ass more palatable?

These dilemmas have weighed on me, and I just can't understand the fucked-up physics that seem to mandate the odor of crap. Surely, I've done wrong in my life to merit God punishing me, but something must be wrong if I can eat the best smelling and tasting food on Earth, drink a bottle of Cool Water cologne, sit down to take a shit, and it comes out smelling like a bowl of spoiled nightcrawlers! I don't know about you people, but I'm starting to think that God kinda fucked us over. Or least he's fucked me over, 'cause I still have to hold my nose when I start in on the humpin'.

Aside from my new vocation here, I work in the construction field. And as I'm sure you've heard, carpenters are some pretty nasty motherfuckers. They enjoy the opportunity to smell each others shit all the time, because they usually don't have any place to take a shit. Where would you leave your used lunch in an unfinished house? Trust me, they find some pretty weird places, and for months afterwards we'll sit around and laugh at the thought of some family smelling shitbombs planted behind the drywall and blaming each other. They're lucky, though. At least the smell has faded over time, because I have never taken a whiff of shit and said to myself, "Damn, that smells like a country flower!" Especially in the bedroom. A woman's shit smells worse than any tobacco chewing trucker old man' underwear. I don't care if you've got the best looking college girl in four states or, in my case, the hottest little Canadian God ever made, if you walk in the bathroom immediatley after she takes a big ol' dump, you'll want to throw rocks at her.

But I've discovered a solution.

This is a hard one to go public with, but I have never been one to embarrass all that easy. I made my shit not stink. For real. And the logic wasn't complicated, I just used reverse psychology against the shit gnomes that live in my ass. How? do you ask? I ate three leveled off teaspoons of my own shit. One in the morning, right after my first cigarette. One about a half-hour after a greasy lunch. And one after my nightly bedtime toothbrushing. I did that for three solid days, and believe me, after going down on my girlfriend, it was easy to get used to. Suddenly, my shit smells like beef boullion! Results may differ, according to your bowel frequency. Examples include pizza, cucumber, chitlins, and the like. With enough time and careful planning, I may just find a way to get my woman to eat my shit, and end my suffering.
Remember, three leveled off teaspoons, six if you eat a lot of cheese products. I will put my reputation on the line that your BVDs will put off the aroma of somthing special. And if you can gauge that amount without the spoon, try it right from the source. I think you will absolutely love the results.

ncidental rare side effects include: shitty breath, gingivitis, loss of friends, chronic hallitosis, and hook worms. Consult your family physician if you are allergic to peanut oil.