Johnny Vs. The Penis Pump

This here is a little story that I am none too proud of, but for the sake of all you fuckers out there who say "you gots to keep it real!". Well, this is about as real as it gets. So gather 'round, sick fucks, and let me tell you a little tale about the time a penis pump almost made my cack go asplode!

About 6 years ago, when I still lived in the land of the eternal fun, aka San Diego, the apartment complex I resided also housed my roomate and a really good friend of ours, so pretty much every night was a drunken blur. One such night as the clock struck 4 in the morn', after consuming ungodly amounts of alcohol and dank nuggets of BC's finest, three of us all sat around completely shlitzed and bored. Seth opens his mouth and says the most ludicrous question I've ever heard at that time: "Hey, you assholes every spank off in one of those porno booths?" My roommate and I both vehemently denied it, wink wink, but Seth pressed on with the issue.

"C'mon you faggots, that SHIT'S fuckin' great! You go in, put your dollar in, and fuckin' start snappin' that radish! Let's go! What the fuck else we gonna go?"

Through the haze of Heineken and Northern Lights, he was starting to make sense, but in a weird perverted way. What the fuck ELSE we were gonna do? So what did we do? Damn right, we three plucky comrades walked our drunken asses over to the nearest porno shop, ready to beat our respective dicks like they owed us some money. Face flushed from embarrassment and the anticipation of beating off in a locked booth where countless other lonely men have spanked it, I entered the cold confides of the booth and locked the door. Remember folks, if you're a straight man, ALWAYS lock the door to your spank off chamber, lest you accidentally like it when strange gay men enter behind you and do all sorts of faggotry to you. I'm pretty liberal when it comes to sex, but damn it, not THAT liberal. After about 8 minutes and 3 dollars later, I finish myself off and allow billions of microscopic me's to dry up in the courtesy napkins they provide for you. As I leave my booth and avoid eye contact with the shadowy prowling homosexuals that frequent the dank hallways of porno shops, I spot them both staring wide-eyed and drunken at the vast array of penis pumps. They had always seemed to be something unearthly. For real though, who buy's penis pumps? At the time, I just couldn't imagine ANY man walking into a place and confidently placing a StrokeMaster 2000 on the counter top, look the cashier in his shifty eye, and say, "That's right motherfucker! I put a large plastic tube over my pecker and pump that shit up! How much for said device, my good man?"

Only your dignity.

So there we were, looking at the dildos and plastic latex forearms and whips and chains...the whole time our eyes darting back to those strange archaic devices. One of us said, "We should buy one each, then in a months time, see who's cock got bigger!" I said, "You're a faggot, shut up." And that was that. We walked home, testicles drained, livers bruised, and we all decided that buying one of those pumps would be just plain silly.

So of course, the very next day, I bought one.

And I didn't just settle for no 30 dollar plastic pump. No, I bought the most expensive one I could find. It was a thing of sheer imposing depravity. 12 inches of 2 inch diameter Pyrex glass, vacuum sealed hosing, and a what looked like a bicycle pump attached to the hose. I had heard from reliable sources, that if you use a quality pump for 20 minutes a day, every day, sure enough, you WILL gain an extra 3-4 inches. Shit, we could ALL use an extra 3 or 4, I thought, and waited a day or two when I knew my apartment was empty. On the day in question, my roommate went out of town, so I locked the doors, popped in my favorite porno tape entitled "Extreme Japanese Anal Assault Ninjas". Volume 12, by the way. Check it out. And then I took a hefty shot of GHB and prepared to pump those next 20 minutes away.

Oh, did I mention during those years way back, I had quite the GHB addiction? And anyone who knows GHB, knows if you take even a LITTLE bit too much, you pass right the fuck out and fall into a deep sleep. So you could imagine what happened next. I just got to my favorite scene where our hero Sho Kuntsuki is anally penetrating three young female ninjas from a rival clan with his dildo nunchucks when I slipped on the glass sleeve and starting pumping away, sucking all the air out of the tube and creating a massive vacuum around my swollen member. At first, it hurt like a son of cunt...but like all things perverted and morally depraved, after about 5 minutes of it, it kinda felt good. The GHB was kicking in big time, and I had already pumped my 6 inch cack to a staggering and girthy 8 inches! 30 minutes had elapsed and Sho Kuntsuki had already passed the dreaded Trials Of The Eternal Gaping Vagina and my penis felt ready to explode. I fumbled with the release valve, praying that I make it in time, but suddenly...

Darkness. Falling. Drifting on waves of narcoleptic lunacy. Finally, deep sleep.

I awoke about 4 hours later, the television sending out waves of soothing white noise when all of a sudden I was wide awake with a feeling that can only be described as a rabid Pit-bull chewing slowly on the head of my penis like a chew toy. I looked down, and my poor poor penis was three shades of purple and blue. Blood had oozed up to the surface from the intense vacuum created and the feeling was absolutely excruciating. What to do? I couldn't think, I couldn't move, for pain and the embarrassment of calling 911 filled my entire being. It had even sucked one of my balls into the tube, so one ball was huge while the other just sort of dangled there, looking deflated and upset about itself. I roared like a mad beast, ripped off the tube, and threw it across the room. My poor cock. It was massively swollen and huge, which under ANY other circumstances would have been a boon, but the pain I was experiencing and the blood oozing out of my own cock head told a different story. I rushed to the bathroom and did the only thing I could think of: I filled up the sink with cold water and plunged into it, cock and balls first, moaning and cursing the insidious fools who invented such a device.

It stayed massive and swollen for about 2 days straight, the proof of my plight evident to all who looked down and saw my perma-erection pitching a tent in my pants. A giant blood blister and formed right around my pisshole, making the simple act of pissing all but impossible. But the worst part of it all?

It was numb and lifeless. I couldn't even go back to the spank off booths to rub one out those past couple days. After that, I decided to never again use a penis pump. Besides, who needs 8 inches anyway?

My tongue is 12.