The Hormones In Beef Theory

Sorry it’s been a while since I’ve written anything descent for you sick fucks. The confines of New Jersey hath somewhat sapped my creativity. Why should I feel any better hanging out in some shithole state, than in an overrated stretch of beach in South America?

Maybe it was a safety issue.

New Jersey is boring. Geddy Lee was right when he said “the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth” or maybe Jersey was just not dangerous enough to inspire a jaded New Yorker like myself.

Or is it?

One afternoon, a couple weeks ago, I went to my favorite taco shop right around the corner from my house. I see these two curvatious porn star-looking chicks walking toward me. They had tits hanging out everywhere, big asses, half shirts, heavy makeup, and I noticed that they are kind of checking me out…

“DAMN LOOK AT THESE SLUTS!” I think to myself and stroll into the taco stand. I wasn’t even finished saying, “I want three steak tacos and a whore-chata” when I noticed that the two girls who walked in are next behind me in line. I look around and see more girls, with more tits, all dressed slutty, and then I realized what was going on: It was 3’oclock, high school just got out HOLY FUCK! THESE GIRLS WERE ALL LIKE 13 YEARS OLD!

So I sit down at the table and my palms began to sweat. Maybe I should just get this food to go? I could feel the handcuffs forming around my wrist already. Maybe the judge would go easier on me if I just turned myself in now. I had to remain calm, calmly breathe, and try not let the blood flow from my brain to other bodily regions. But seriously…

Since when did the chicks in high school start looking this hot and slutty?!

I sit here at home chewing on a gnarly chuck of fried pork trotter pondering that very thought. Surely, foreign chicks didn’t grow up this fast. What was different here? The answer seemed to be right at my fingertips or maybe my tongue. You hear it a lot when you travel abroad, “If you want to find good meat you have to find a place that serves American beef.” That because the USA has the best agriculture system in the world. We give our cows hormones to grow up quicker; so we can kill them younger and fatter for juicer delicious meat products! Now, these nutrients are getting passed along to the youth culture and manifesting themselves in bubble-butts and bazonga-boobs!

I’d like to THANK the farmers for the hormones in the beef, which directly leads to the growth of teen boobies, but please have mercy…

Then I thought some more. How else was this influencing my life? Like, this past summer, I found myself at an Offspring concert…wait a fucking second…I hate The Offspring! Why was I going there? Because I knew there would be scantily clad sluts everywhere, but why did they keep coming up to me wanting for me to buy them beer! Holy Christ – I must repent now!

I’d like to WARN the farmers for the hormones in the beef – it makes underage girls look like 21 to me!

So now I’m back in Jersey at the taco stand, I see the little girls giggling when I’m not even through saying “Excuse me, I would like to get that food to go now!” when one of the girls approaches me…

“Me and my friend think that you are cute and you look like the guy from Limp Biscuit, hehe…”

“Yeah, the guy in Limp Biscuit wishes!” I thought to myself as I wandered off into a daydream about my future in a prison cell:

If I ever get out of here and paroled by 2022
I’m calling up my lawyer and were gonna sue
Burger King and McDonalds
For serving the beef that caused my crime
If teenage chicks didn’t look like that
I wouldn’t be sitting here doing time…

Before anything could happen I grabbed my tacos and got the fuck out of there. Sure, I had done the right thing -- but why would God give me the urges if I could not give in? Either way, the delicious beef we enjoy today does not come without its inherent dangers. I don’t want to join a new generation of filthy perverts getting cased up like R Kelly. Now, even as we speak, guys who were once young horn-dogs now will have daughters of their own and with the increased dosage of hormones to the cows; these girls will probably wind up looking like Jenna Jameson by the time they are nine – but, fuck it, I’ll have to admit that it does feel good to have a couple of way-too-young hotties on your jock…despite the legality.

To close, I guess it’s all good…

I’d like to THANK the farmers for the hormones in the beef – because hot young girls still want to have sex with a guy like me…

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to poop out that balloon full of heron that I just smuggled in!