Don't Believe The Hype

I've discovered a HORRIBLE new phenomenon. Apparently it's en-vogue for chicks to be bi-sexual now. Sounds great right? WRONG. Check out what happened to me on Labor Day weekend:

We rolled into Club Rain in Vegas around 2:00AM. My buddy Erik had his employees doing the music that night. He got us into the VIP section behind the DJ booth. At some point I slipped over the regular bar to see what the poor people were doing. Some drunk dude decided to be my friend and felt obligated to buy me three Jager shots. What could I do?

At this point I'm plastered and exhausted. I ask my woman if she's ready to leave and she responded with the greatest thing I've ever heard anyone say in my life:

Sure babe, but hang on one second, I want to grab this blonde chick that's been flirting with me so we can take her home.

Blondie was all caught up in the "it's my birthday / what happens in vegas, stays in vegas / I wanna get freaky tonight" kick. She was talking mad shit: "I want to suck your woman's pussy so bad" and "I'm going to fuck the shit out of both of you". Check please!

On the way back we stop at the booze store to stock up. I should have known something was fucked up when she said she wanted a bottle of water. We get back to the house and head straight for the bedroom. The girls start kissing and I'm thinking it's going to happen. Everytime I try and work in Blondie kinda pulls back. I'm not going to be a dick and deprive my woman of some fun just because I can't get some. The thing was my woman didn't get much further. Blondie must have thought she was in high school because all she wanted to do was kiss! What the fuck is that?

So the next weekend I went down to a porn convention in Mexico and had a chance to hang out with some swinger friends of mine who ran their own porn sites. We all got plastered on tequila and I figured I'd pick their brain about what happened the weekend prior.

I learned that chicks who act like they are bi-sexual is some new kind of FAD! Thanks to Queer Eye, Ellen Degeneres, and all the other gay/bi stuff in the media women have gotten it in their head that being bi-sexual is the new cool thing. It's like the Metrosexual episode of Southpark except with women. My swinger friends said this started a couple years ago as the mainstream world finally figured out there was a whole other society out there. Of course anything new and secretive must be cool. My beef is that these people don't know anything about the gay/bisexual community and it's gotta be offensive to have their culture turned into a pop phenomenon.

That and it's screwing up my sex life! WOMEN, do you not understand how FUCKING wrong this is? You have to know every guy's dream is a 3-way. I'm 110% fine if you're gay whether you're a guy or a girl. Poke whatever makes you wet/hard. But don't act like you're down with a crazy no holes barred (shit that's an unintentional bad pun) sex-fest if you're just going to wimp out!

The good news is that my swinger/porno friends have had to deal with this problem since it began and they've figured out how spot a tease from a mile away. First, find out if the chick is local. If she's a tourist, it's a good bet she's full of shit. Next, the more drunk/coked up/high she is, the less likely she's legit. It's also a great idea to ask her about her previous experiences. Virgins of any sort are always bad news. If she's never had a three way, TRUST ME, you don't want to be her first! Also, check out who she's hanging out with and watch their reactions. If you and your woman are flirting with her and her friends are freaking out, it's a very bad sign. If the friends are acting like it's nothing new you're on the right track. And the best advise they gave me is if you get to the point where you're not sure if she's legit, just ask. Don't be rude, but be honest. "so are we going to fuck or what" usually doesn't work as well as "my woman and I would love to take you home and have some fun but we want to make sure you're cool with _______." Filling in the blanks can be tough to do but it's a hell of a lot better than getting home and being disappointed or having to deal with some freaked out psycho chick