Dodgeball Ain't Shit

With the success and advent of Dodgeball becoming a "professional" sport and a hit amongst the 17-28 year old demographic, I feel it's my duty to give even lesser-known, but just as cool, sports their fair share of the demographic pie. Kids today are a very lazy breed, accustomed to getting whatever their greedy little hearts desire. Parents supply them with the latest in technological distractions that literally kill their drive to go outside and play. Sure, I grew up playing old school Atari and Nintendo, but I never had the internet to distract me for hours on end. We had to GO OUT and make our own games up, most extremely dangerous and fool-hardy. But goddamn it, they were fun. And I'm calling for all of you out there to help some of these games gain professional status...maybe, dare I say it, even become recognized as an olympic sport.

Suicide (aka: Balls To The Wall; Asses Up, Peg-Ball, etc....)

Simply put, Suicide was my all-time favorite game growing up as a young troublemaker. The object is quite simple. Two teams of no less than 3 people try to catch a handball (or a tennis ball for the sissies out there) that is thrown against a wall. If one of the members of the opposing team catch a fly ball without it bouncing on the ground then the thrower of the ball must make a mad dash for the wall and touch it before the catcher pegs the shit out of him, effectively giving said victim a penalty or a letter from a word that was decided on before the game (we always chose CUNT, or FAG, or COCKFACE). After all letters or penalties are given to a person, his team must line up against the wall facing it, and the opposing team EACH gets a chance to peg every member of the other team. Those who got pegged, were eliminated. ALSO, when the ball is in play, if you drop it or it touches you then you must run to the wall or you get pegged. It was a real simple game that I remember playing every day at recess and lunch. After a while, we even stepped up to playing with a lacross ball, which caused a few kids to get hurt pretty bad BUT HEY! That's what this game is all about, violence and the humilation of the losing team.

Roman Candle Melee

Growing up in a state where fireworks were illegal made this game somewhat difficult to put together, but when it did CHAOS ensued and all was good in the neighborhood. One team would hide, while the other team went looking for them, all the while everyone armed with roman candles and bottlerockets. The rules were pretty self-explanatory: You get hit by a flaming ball...you get eliminated. That's it. Fuck Paintball and fuck Air-Soft! It's all about the roman candles baby! Nothing, I repeat NOTHING is more satisfying than sneaking up on some fat kid and shooting him in the face with a roman candle. Yeah sure, we suffered second degree burns and some kids lost a couple fingers in the ensuing melee but goddamn it, we had fun.And that's all that really matters, having fun and DOING something a little bit crazy or dangerous in order to have that fun. Kids today are a fucking lazy breed, getting fatter and wimpier with every passing second they waste sitting on the computer or playing their X-Box. I think that if more dangerous sports were recognized by the community as wholesome entertainment, they would give these kids the skills to survive in this day and age of turmoil and the ever present threat of terrorism. Because honestly, chicks dig scars not carpel tunnel from playing video games all fucking day.