The Horror Hits Home

This morning started out like any other. I arrived at the office shortly before a quarter till 10am, gave a warm hello to Joe (G’Mirnin), put on a pot of coffee and sat down to my morning task of checking my email for 2 hours before I take lunch. Satisfied with the amount of emails I had, I skimmed through them all. To my bewilderment I found only one unread email in my inbox. To my horror it read the following:

Dearest Filthy Porn Peddlers,

We the chosen few known only as The Shove Of Allah, They Who Annoy Muhammad, The 14 Who Sleep Naked In His Countenance or The Heavy Pet of Sudan have successfully abducted your prized black man. Unless our demands are met, your precious colleague will be anal raped by our black ops division known only as Evil Betty. Evil Betty will fuck your black man like he’s never been fucked before on a table with soft music playing. Once Evil Betty has caused your friend to lose consciousness with the Mighty Rod Of Allah, your friend and his sooty genitals will be liquefied and fed into the Mighty Weather Machine Formerly of Cobra Command Though Currently Of Allah.

Our Demands Are As Follows:


1) We demand the release of a sequel to the 1981 film Flash Gordon
2) We demand the recall of the sequel to Escape From New York
3) We demand the divorce of J-Lo and Mark Anthony
4) We demand the nuptials of Paris Hilton to Tommy Lee and a midget dressed like Captain America (shield and all).
5) Finally, we demand the release of all political yahoo’s, blah, blah, blah, Allah, bacon, burn in hell, virgins and so on….

You have eleventy-two hours to comply.

End of line.

P.S. We would’ve taken the funny light-skinned one but he didn’t look black enough.