The Department of Ironic Punishment

I’m a big fan of Schadenfreude. Schadenfreude is the malicious amusement and satisfaction derived from the suffering of others. I can laugh at damn near anything. The AIDS scare in Los Angeles: That shit was HILARIOUS! So, everybody freaks out because some porn slut contacts HIV doing an unprotected double anal? Holy moley, geez-gosh-geewilkers…who knew? Not a double anal! Why the fuck would you stick your dick in an ass that ALREADY had another dick in it?

You know the real tragedy of all this? The outbreak didn’t originate on some LA Valley porn set! The male talent acquired the virus from stuffing low-wage hoes in Brazil!

Yes folks, here is more proof that outsourcing is bad for America!

Despite my penchant for mocking the misfortunes of others, there’s one thing that I just can’t poke fun at. You probably already know what I’m talking about, The Nick Berg beheading video. That shit was fucked. It’s very rare anything is able to offend me, but this video did the trick! The strange thing about it: I didn’t even know who to be mad at! Usually when something steams my beans, I know straight away who pissed me off, but not here. Like when Britney Spears ran off and married that Louisiana hick in Las Vegas – it was that dude! He was who I had a beef with! Yes, it was the worst three days of my life, but after watching the Nick Berg video I found myself simultaneously enraged at:

1. Those Five Camel Jockeys in Ski Masks: Yeah, get ready to eat a ninety-kiloton bag of red-hot American death when we find your asses!

2. Lindy England - You stupid bitch hick cunt! You looked real cute posing with those piles of Iraqis in the Algarve prison pictures. It’s all fun and games till someone gets decapitated!

3. Our Fearless Leader, George Dubya - Without whose imperialistic tendencies Mr. Berg would still be in possession of a cranium!

So, how do we deal with all of these fucks? I suggest a very American way: By creating more bureaucracy as a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Face it, we’re stuck with the Patriot Act, Homeland Security and nebulous terror alerts. What’s another inconvenience? Did you know that income tax was just a “temporary tax” to help fund our involvement in World War II? Try telling the IRS you think we’ve paid off D-Day by now. You’ll be busting rocks with Martha Stewart at Club Fed in no time. What about the War on Drugs? How long is that shit gonna keep going and when will someone win? Somebody did win. Know who? Me! I sold drugs for five years and turned the profits into a nice house! Couldn’t have done that if I had to compete with Pfizer! Haha, joke’s on you jack! Thanks for the war...losers!

In that same fine tradition, I am creating The Department of Ironic Punishment. Abbreviated TDIP, it will be a combination of Divine Intervention, the Judicial Branch, and a lynch mob. I shall be its autocrat. The TDIP will dole out swift and furious “cluster punishments” to entire groups of wrongdoers, whereby they will be subjected to the most vile ironic punishment imaginable based on their transgressions.

Now for the first public action of the Department of Ironic Punishment; we shall dispose of this Nick Berg matter. Please remain silent while the sentences are being read…

LINDY ENGLAND: Seeing as you are so fascinated with piles of naked Iraqi men, I hereby sentence you to DEATH BY IRAQI GANGBANG!

THOSE FIVE HEAD CHOPPING TERRORIST GUYS: Seeing as we have so deeply violated your Muslim sexual morays that innocent people need to die, I hereby sentence you TO BE CLUBBED TO DEATH BY NAKED STRIPPERS WIELDING HEAVY SACKS OF BACON! In addition, after I have lived a long, healthy life and face the eventuality of my own death I would like to sentence myself to this same fate.

GEORGE BUSH: Without your dishonesty and stupidity none of this fun would have been possible…

OFF WITH YOUR HEAD - BITCH!