Ronnie, Ray And Richard

I’ll just come out and say it. J-Lo’s marriage to Mark Anthony killed President Regan and musical institution Ray Charles. I fear that the end of this marriage will kill Richard Pryor. What is one to do? It’s not like I could actually “save” Mr. Pryor from the hand of death at the exact moment these two gifts to mankind say “I don’t anymore, fuck you” to one another. But what if I could? How could I save Richard Pryor from the evil that is the inevitable end of J-lo’s marriage?

I’d have to be crafty, that’s how. Like, conspiracy – crafty.

First, we’d have to draw the attention of the world away from these newlyweds. What’s the fastest way to distract the attention of the world? We’ve got options. There’s rape, theft, murder, extortion, bribery, blackmail and treason. It doesn’t have to be real this is television we’re talking about. We could pick up a copy of Vibe Magazine, clip out a fuck ton of pictures of Nelly, photoshop him wearing a Ham-burglar mask holding a butter knife, with a pyramid of gold bricks, a billy-club and a pot leaf and spread via the internet and public access television that he’s a suspect in a robbery that went awry because he and G-Unit got stoned before the heist.

Secondly, we’d have to up the ante. Make it worse. We’ve got to have poor Mr. Nelly lose his shit, the life of a comedic legend hangs in the balance! The best way to make black men look like demons is to make it look like we’ve beaten a white woman. That’s right, I said it. All we need is a video of Nelly’s, Adobe Premier and a blank DVD to make it look like Nelly is jesus-beating the evil whiteness out of some female cop, muttering unintelligible jargon with each blow “…and you’re stapler (slap), that goddamn cat (slap), that fucking cereal you eat (double-slap), …”

Then finally we bring it home. We’ve got to put the mayo on the toast, sling a goo-stream in the hooker’s eye, make it worth admission. Nelly’s got to kill someone in an escape attempt. Somebody has to die in order to use Nelly to save Richard Pryor. It would have to be someone old who’s going to die soon anyway. Someone the public adores, someone who actually made a difference. Someone like….Richard Pryor!

It makes perfect sense! Save Richard Pryor from J-Lo’s divorce by framing Nelly for robbing, bribing, blackmailing, extorting, raping and murdering Richard Pryor while working for the North Koreans!

That works on a cosmic level and the stoned level. Just like I said, conspiracy-crafty.