Sex Toys For Men

Why are all the great sex toys for women? My guess is because guys are inherently lazy. My left hand is still the best lay I’ve ever had. My hand is always ready and actually prefers it if I come in less than two minutes. After fifteen years of whacking off daily I’m getting bored with just my hand. I tried Paul’s suggestion of romancing myself by lighting candles and playing romantic music. Didn’t do much for me, so I went down to the local smut shop to see what I could find. All the shit is for women. Dongs and clit stimulators of all shapes and sizes abounded but in the men’s section I could only find a few jack-off sleeves, fake looking pussies, and lots of toys no hetero man would touch.

So I’ve decided to start my own line of products for men. Below are my first five products. If anyone reading this knows people that can help me make this a reality, email me.

The Viagra Condom
This one is fucking brilliant. Put liquid Viagra into the lube on a condom. It gets absorbed through the skin and immediately goes to work where you need it most. So many people have the wrong idea about Viagra. It’s not just for old farts that can’t get it up. I’ve got no problem getting and keeping it up, but I do enjoy the occasional Sting- style Tantric fuck-fest. Think Spinal Tap "it goes all the way to eleven." Lets face it, when you’re using a condom; it’s probably with some random chick. If you know the value of the referral pussy (fuck her well – she tells her friends – they all want to fuck you) then you’re doing your best to fuck her three ways from Thursday. With the Viagra Condom you’ll be sure to leave her with a limp!

The Backup Hand
Ever see those kits you can buy where you stick your cock into a pail of goo, leave it there for a few minutes, pull it out, pour in liquid latex, and you wind up with a dildo made from your cock? Aside from being a homosexual that wishes he could fuck himself in the ass this is only useful as a present for your woman. But, it does give me a great idea. As I’ve said, my hand is the best lay I’ve ever had. Last week I got a nasty cut across my palm. I was devastated. I couldn’t whack off for a week. So my idea is to make a latex replica of my own hand. That way if I get injured or my hand just plain wears out from a masturbatory marathon I’ve always got a standby ready. This could also be useful if your woman has issues with giving hand jobs.

The Stranger Lariat
Some of you may be familiar with the Stranger. You sit on your hand and put all your weight on it to cut off the circulation. Once your hand finally falls asleep you whack off. You can’t feel it on your hand so it’s like getting a hand job from a stranger. It’s pretty cool but it’s such a pain in the ass to get your hand completely asleep. If you don’t do it right you start getting that pins and needles feeling while whacking off. Nothing is more distracting than that. The Stranger Lariat is a simple device you put around your wrist and pull taught to cut off the circulation. Warning: I really don’t suggest using this one drunk. It would suck to pass out with the blood circulation cut off to your hand. It wouldn’t be as bad as the whole INXS Michael Hutchinson death thing but it would suck to explain how you lost your hand.

Flavor Pills
Ladies this one is for you as well! And you thought I was just a sexist pig! This one is based on the Asparagus Phenomenon. When you eat asparagus apparently it radically changes the color and smell of your piss. I’ve been told that it also makes your sploodge taste worse than normal. So why not do something about that? Chocolate, Strawberry, and Vanilla. You pop a pill an hour or so before you get down to the dirty business and when you blow your load in her mouth it tastes great. Think of it, no more "do you keep the change" or her saying "you better not come in my mouth." Now she’ll literally want you to come in her mouth.

AIDS Test Mickey
A few weeks ago I heard on CNN that the FDA has approved a new saliva-based AIDS test that only takes 20 seconds. I’m thinking a small pill or powder that is totally tasteless that you can slip into a chick’s drink at the bar. If she has AIDS it turns the drink red. If she’s clean it turns the drink green. Simple enough that even if you’re plastered you can tell whether or not to take her home and suck on her copper penny. Green = Go. Red = Run.

So that’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll come up with more. Again, anyone that knows how to make some of these things into real products hit me up!