Out Of 'Ports

It's been a bit difficult being "almost black" lately. The Kwik-E-Mart that I frequent has been out of menthol cigarettes for a whole week. Given my white-black-itude it is fairly simple to understand the effects this may have on my day-to-day pimpiness. How else am I to assert my pimpy-almost black manliness without the ever-present smoldering torch of mint pimp-itude? How indeed, would I make it though mere hours without a hit from my handy-dandy black in a pack?

Gripped in the midst of thol-withdrawl I found my way to the nearest library and busied myself digging through documents tracing the rise of cigarette smoking as we know it today. Did you know that the concept of pre-rolled cigarettes came from the idea of holding gunpowder in rolled paper tubes to increase the firing rate by Egyptian soldiers? That was in 1832 (the almost black man has been twistin' and blastin' for ages, bitch). In 1860 manufactured cigarettes were being distributed in the United States and by 1865 cigarettes were part of rations given to both Union and Confederate soldiers and American cigarette factories began to appear. Slavery in the United States is abolished later that same year.

My search was getting me nowhere. Hairs on opposite sides of my ballsack were engaged in a vicious match of tug-o-war but that discomfort paled in comparison to what was going on inside my chest. If only I could read something on the history of menthol cigarettes, perhaps I could trick my lungs into thinking that they were filled with that sweet, mint twang. Hours passed. A bum sat two seats down from me and urinated in the wooden chair, got up, turned to me and thanked me, then left. I couldn't take much more of this. It was as if Mr. Whitey himself had something to gain from my discomfort and anxiety. I was sweating profusely. I tore pages from books as I turned them and had begun mumbling to myself something about the love child of Camel Joe and some Double-mint twins. Then I found it.

In 1955 an employee of R.J. Reynolds known only as Joseph The Kindly And Non-Threatening Negro is reported to have accidentally dropped a handful of Altoids into a Nicotine-Fusion tank. At the time Altoids still contained cocaine as well as the, then revolutionary, breath-freshening ingredient proto-nucleo-retsin. The resulting batch of cigarettes caused the smoker to take deeper breaths as the numbing effects of the cocaine was sweetly masked in mint. Initially these mutant smokes were given to Joseph and his friends but when the batch ran out and Joseph murdered half the plant in a thol-withdrawl related incident R.J. Reynolds considered producing menthol tipped cigarettes and by 1956 had begun their manufacture and distribution.

Delighted, I slammed shut the book I read and danced out the front door of the library. It was like I'd gotten hooked on menthols all over again. I'd found peace and quite possibly the hidden link between black folk and mentholated cigarettes. Proud, I made my way back to the Kwik-E-Mart and asked for a pack of Ports with a smile on my face. That same attendant from all those days before leaned over the counter, looked me dead in the eye and growled "WE…ARD…OT!". I rocked back on my heels and chuckled a bit. I leaned in to him, making us nose-to-nose and whispered sweetly "Even though my ball hairs are twisted and hurt like a bitch, I still won't kill you like Joseph did. I've got control." ...his eye just twitched in confusion.