The Last Kiwi Passionfruit Of The Christ

The Lord works in mysterious ways, much like cotton candy machines, or PCP.

For example, I saw Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ at the Cineplex Odious last night – it was the most amazing movie I’ve ever seen. So amazing, in fact, that I fell asleep no less than three times during a scene where Jesus was on the receiving end of an old school Roman ass-whomping, only to wake up each time and discover that – holy stromboli – he was still getting his ass whomped. Congratulations to Mel for achieving what I have yet to do after almost ten years on the Internet: he made gratuitous violence seem entirely uninteresting.

The most intriguing aspect of the entire experience was not the $30 million worth of spattered fake blood, but the constant whimpering from the dozen or so children whose parents decided their precious tikes would benefit from being terrorized by 127 minutes of bloodletting on an 80-foot screen. Nothing soothes the fragile young psyche like THX-enhanced flesh lacerating. Sakes alive, those kids will really appreciate all that Jesus has done for them after they’ve been awake for five days worrying about Roman soldiers in their closets and Jews under the bed. Thanks, Mumsies and Papa! Now, explain to me, again, why Howard Stern should be off the air.

I don’t mean to "get up on a cross here" (ROFLMAOSH, MFMBIAIFTHISOMLI!!!*), but this God fellow really needs to get his damn story straight. Is glorified brutality acceptable, as long as it confirms with religious ideology? If so, I’ll change my website to some Christian banter, hack out a few essays about intelligent design, and I should have the Pope’s blessing in no time. Of course, Immaculate Conception will be tough to sell with all the hardcore porn videos on the internet, but I’m up for the challenge.

Fuck all this – I’m going to go pull one of those Jews out from under my bed and cane him until he looks like a used tampon

* - Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off so hard, my fecal matter becomes impacted and I’m forced to have invasive surgery on my lower intestine – but you probably already knew that