From The Streets, Dawg!

To my left is a stack of ragged, well-worn paperbacks. To my right is a pile of soon-to-be invigoratingly foul-smelling clothes. And in my desk drawer is a toothbrush, paste, razor, Listerine, soap, and something called, “floss”.

Yes, in less than one full eye-sweep, I can observe everything I own in the entire world, and it’s the most liberating feeling I’ve ever felt. Ever since Squatting Pete moved into my apartment while I was out of town, I’ve been busily throwing away almost all my material possessions. Anything that might have been touched by Pete’s (cops still haven’t caught him – don’t know his real name) has been handily discarded, and I have moved out of the apartment and into, well, nowhere.

But living light is not as bad as I expected. Originally, I took up residence at one of those extended-stay “executive” suites, but I quickly learned that “executive” was a bit of a misnomer. I don’t think that was Steve Ballmer firing off guns down the hall from me, and I’m pretty sure the woman howling in the next room wasn’t Carly Fiorina. On top of the shady clientele, with whom I suppose I would be included, the rooms in this place all had a constant, inescapable smell of fart emanating from every object. The A/C smelled like ass. The carpet smelled like ass. The bed sheets smelled like a fine concoction of ass and ancient semen – all this for the low, low price of $250 a week.

Despite my plans, I obviously couldn’t live the rest of my life in roach motels and extended-stay suites like a low-rent Howard Hughes, or not until I could afford slightly nicer roach motels, anyway.

Instead, I’ve been living the young American Dream, otherwise known as couch-surfing a fading wave of generosity from my ever-dwindling circle of friends. It’s fucking great. I get a nice place 4-5 times a week, with a full refrigerator, central heating, a shower, and cable TV. Who could ask for more? The 2-3 days that I can’t guilt-trip a friend into letting me stay with him/her, I just sleep on the floor of my office, or wander the streets all night!

Recently, for the first time ever, I shit behind a building onto a pile of rubble – and it was everything I ever imagined it could be.