The Suicide Builders

I’ve barely recovered from the decadence of New Orleans, which is probably the second most decadent city in the United States next to…LAS VEGAS. Yes, Vegas is where I will be from the 3rd-9th for the Intenext Porn Convention. If you’ve ever traveled to Vegas, then you’re already aware that six Vegas days are the equivalent of six months in any sane place, and will remove ten times that amount off the end of your life - and twice as much from your wallet. Worse yet, we are arriving a day early and staying for two days after the show is over.

Why? I'm still not sure.

This year, to throw an extra wrench into the gears, Homeland Security has krunked that trusty terror alert to Orange, and has specified Vegas as a possible target. If credible, here is the proof that Al Qaeda is indeed starting to slip. Don’t accuse me of giving advice to the terrorists, but, come on guys, attacking Vegas is just fucking retarded.

Sure, Las Vegas offers large crowds, with the opportunity to kill tons of people, but just who do you kill anyway? A few blue-haired one-armed bandits, Wayne Newton, and Carrot Top. Other than that, you’ll only be offing blackjack dealers, hookers, and reprobates.

You would be doing the United States a favor.

No, Jihad’s chance to destroy western scum pigfuckers does not lie with suicide bombers; what the terrorists need is suicide builders. Imagine the body count you could rack up if you built more Vegas’s! Think about it: a single strike would kill a quite a few people, but if you teach folks to die, you can count on them drinking, hookering, gambling, and drugging their way straight into open graves for years to come.

The sweet irony: You would be wasting Americans with the very vices that you claim to detest. Even better, death will come slow and prolonged -- not the boring instantaneous expiration of life you’d get from a mundane plane crash. We’re talking agonizing deaths at the hands of vicious habits, addiction, and STDs. Once built, you guys can just sit back and enjoy the show. Maybe, you could even make a cool reality show for Al Jazeera for it - yeah, that would be tight! Just think how perfect the world would be: Sit back, relax in the desert with towels on your head, chopping bitches’ clits off, and sodomizing camels while the Western World plunges into ruin. You guys would make Allah proud!

I’m going to cut this terrorist advice column short for now because my plane is about to touch down in Sin City. It looks like you losers didn’t get me this time. I can’t wait to get an early start on my Jihad by making like Vince Neil and slappin’ some bitches at the Bunny Ranch!

My money must perish! In the name of Allah...