Blushin' Russian Brides

I think it's time for me to settle down. My wild oats have been sown quite thoroughly, and in my years on this stinking marble, I've been fortunate enough to make money, do drugs with celebrities, travel the world, and fuck tons of women (often one ton at a time) - and all for doing little more than being the insufferable asshole that I was born to be. The past is rife with excitement, but the future is ripe for much more, and I want to have with whom to share it.

Too bad American girls are all bitches. "I need money for such-and-such," "Women's lib means I don't have to wash that so-and-so," "No, I won't swallow your blah blah blah," - yeah, fuck off.

I don't need to blow my hard-earned loot on an uppity American princess - not when there are foreign women willing to indenture themselves to me and my every whim because they can hardly afford a loaf of bread in their own countries! Yeah, it sounds strange, I know, but I'm deadly serious:


I want a Russian mail-order bride.

Of course, these days, the term "mail-order bride" is rather dated. The Internet, with its vast applications for research, education, and illicit celebrity sex videos, is also an ideal place to meet Russian women who want nothing more than to leave their hovels and come live with me. This all started when I met this guy in a bar, who told me that his business is, setting up guys like me with hot Russian women to date and, if the "chemistry" works out, marry. They arrange thousands of meetings every year through multiple services like providing a girl's contact info, all the way up to booking you into a and arranging dinner with you, an interpreter, and the "bride-to-be" .

The foreign bride concept carries a stigma to some people. "Don't you think you're just exploiting these girls" situations?" they ask. . Have you ever been to Eastern Europe or Russia? The men over there are the most chauvinistic, abusive pricks I've ever met - they treat their women like such shit, by comparison, even I look like a stand-up gentleman. And it doesn't hurt that my money is worth a hundred times .

So I spent all day browsing through 30,000+ women, and I think I've narrowed it down to four.

So, which one should be the future Mrs. Alim (yeah, fuck off stalker...)? Right now, I'm leaning towards Olga, if only because her hobbies include "being taken photos". As a professional writer, I feel it is important I marry a girl who can't speak the English language, and as a pseudo-pornographer, she will have plenty of opportunities for "being taken nasty nekkid photos". Mrs. . Mrs. . Aw, fuck it - I'll just call her Vodka Breath.

But enough about me - let's talk about you. For starters, you might have noticed all of the above are at least moderately willing to fuck me. While that interesting factoid was not actually listed in their bios, it's also not entirely untrue. Many of the girls are from former communist countries, and they grew up without bars, clubs, or any of the other accoutrements of Western nightlife. In other words, their idea of a night out is staying at home and cooking. Creating a culture of Russina women with liberally-minded sexual mores is the one thing communism did right - praise Behind the Iron Curtain, all you have to do is say, "Hello, I'm American," and flash a $10 bill around, and you'll be knee-deep in poontang. It's all about the Hamiltons, baby. Even if you have no desire to get married, you would be foolish not to take advantage of this scenario. From what I understand, many of the guys who take the trip, do it just to sleep with gorgeous foreign women - two or three at a time! They're all competing for your attention because they don't want to go back to the breadlines and their abusive boyfriends, so it's up to you, as a representative of the last remaining world superpower, to sample liberally from our former foe's stockpile of thin, young nymphomaniacs - to the victor go the spoils.

Whatever your reason - whether you want a bride who doesn't know how to talk back in English, or just enjoy banging gorgeous foreign women in five-star resorts - I recommend you go. The people who run these "dating services" seem honest, and they have arranged thousands of marriages over the years. And if you don't believe non-English speaking foreign women would be interested in a fat, ridiculous-looking, big-nosed fuck like me, catch me on Flight 1603 to Moscow, this Monday.

I'll make sure Olga keeps the Vodka cold, and the free poontang nice and toasty.