Mock The Vote

The big political parties are well oiled machines with huge money behind them. What the American voters are stuck with is the choice between two evils: Republicans and Democrats. An election is drawing near. America may be breathing a collective sigh of relief with the capture of Saddam Hussein and the rebounding economy, but all of these events have a slimy, dangerous underbelly:


The proliferation of the religious right.


George Bush and crew have more in common with Osama Bin Laden than they would like to admit; both are members of the extreme right and there’s not enough room on Earth for both of them. The whole right wing needs to go. Look at the darling of the anti-drug crusading right wing, Rush Limbaugh -- a junkie? Those fucking hypocrites....DRUGS = TERROR -- right? There's your answer, Mr Bush -- send Limbaugh to Guantanamo Bay with the rest of the Dune Coons.


And what the fuck is with Ashcroft covering Lady Justice’s boob? Is he protecting our kids from indecency? No, he isn’t. This is a guy with real deep rooted sexual hangs-ups -- end of story. In case the future is not clear enough for you, here’s some political math:


4 More Years of Ashcroft and Bush = 0 More Years Of Internet Porn!


Yes, these fucks would drape every set of bobbling juicy fun bags on the internet with the same cloth he did Lady Justice if they could. Give them four more years and they will.


If you’ve read this far you are probably wondering: This ain’t Ashleigh Banfield, nor is it Bill O’Reilly -- this is John. Where are the strippers, vomit, and Jagermeister, and why is John so concerned with politics all of a sudden?


Because, as a convicted felon with a case adjudicated till 2009, it will be 2014 before I’m able to exercise my freedom to take part in the democratic process again! It seems, in 1997, some very bad writer boy was driving through the buckle of the Bible Belt, South Georgia, while possessed by LSDemons, and being convicted of such, he now has less rights than a Necro-pedophile in Turkmenistan.


Yes, it’s sad but true.


Today’s draconian drug enforcement comes to you courtesy of the Republican Party via the Nixon administration and the enactment of the federal Controlled Substances Act in 1973. Like drugs, the right wing has no tolerance for sick fucks like you. It’s all about demographics, and the only groups they need to reach to win an election are:


The NASCAR Dads – OK, you watch a car go around and around on a track five-hundred times; it’s the motor sports equivalent of a full frontal lobotomy. These people are whom the right wing is attempting to woo with empty promises. The right wing is a group of sneaky bastards that could sell Evian to a drowning man. Imagine how easy it is to squeeze a vote out of these zombies. “Hell yeah, ole’ Mr. Bush smoked out ‘dat sand nigger in Iraqistan, and he’s gonna cut our taxes – I a-gonna vote ‘fer him.” If that weren’t bad enough, the only other group they have to influence is…


The Soccer Moms – Stupid, church going, conservative bitches, with bad haircuts that were knocked up by NASCAR Dads are proof that women should have never been given the right to vote.


If I were in power, I would impose MANDATORY ABORTIONS to thin the pack. Nowadays, if some bitch gets knocked up, the DEFAULT is to have a kid nine months later. I would like to change the DEFAULT to MANDATORY ABORTION. A woman would be given one trimester to prove that she is worthy of procreating. If, at the end of the 3 months, top scientists determine that she will one day be sitting in a trailer with some redneck NASCAR Dad, she’s off to the clinic for a federally subsidized $400 scramble!


SO WHAT CAN WE DO? – Getting this country back on the right track will not be easy. We need a three-pronged plan of attack. First, we need a strong leader…


Step #1: Return of the King -- The current group of democratic contenders offers no strong challenge to Bush. We’ve got Dean the Pussy, Jew Lieberman, and Al “Moon Cricket” Sharpton all bickering amongst themselves and dividing the Democratic party even further. It’s time to bring in the big guns: Bill Clinton. He was perhaps the finest leader this country has ever known. Clinton was a brilliant man -- to watch him in front of the Supreme Court arguing the definition of the word “IS” – PURE BRILLIANCE! “Your honor no intern IS blowing me right now,” is all that stood between him and a perjury rap -- GENIUS…PURE GENIUS. From congressional testimony, we know Bill was on high-level conference calls while Monica was honking Bobo under the desk. Bill Clinton is no pariah – he’s a hero, a multi-tasker, and a busy man who never stopped working for this country, regardless of where his dick was parked. With Clinton, we had eight years of economic prosperity and peace. I’ll take that again any day.


Step #2: Broaden the Demographics - Many of you may remember the 2000 recall election. It was a close, questionable affair. Does it seem fishy that Jeb Bush and the Florida recount took the Republicans into power? Sure it does. That’s because the NASCAR Dads, and the Soccer Moms were split fairly evenly. I’ve already stated that I can’t vote, but I would like to urge the following groups to make it to the polls this coming year and vote Democrat:


The Bukkake Sluts – While this might only be a small group, we know that you can convince at least ten men to make you look like a glazed doughnut in simultaneous showers of man giblet; use your Jedi powers to get them out to vote.


The Coke Heads – On November 6th, buy extra cocaine! Fuck petering out at 8AM -- you need to make it to the polls. Don’t forget to chop an extra rail for that coke monkey George W!


Anyone That Likes Boobies – You saw what happened to Lady Justice. If you love boobs, like I do – VOTE DEMOCRAT!


Step #3: Distract the Right Wing on Election Day -- By organizing the following events, we can actually make the members of the right wing become so excited that they will actually FORGET TO VOTE:


The Annual Dunk an Abortion Doctor in a Vat of Acid-o-ton – With special host Eric Robert Rudolph.


The NRA Forced Prayer in School at Gunpoint Marathon – Mark your calendars now!


The First Annual Republican Queer Bash -- Ok, I'm not coming to the defense of homosexuals. It is my personal opinion that being gay is gay. However, I do not feel that the government has any right to dictate where you like to situate your genitalia. Shit, I’ll fuck a greasy knot in a tree if it looks enough like a pussy…oh, yeah – that make me remember another big demographic that we need to discuss:


THE POPULAR FRONT FOR THE EMPOWERMENT OF PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO FUCK GREASY KNOTS IN TREES – This little known group of voters usually leans to the left because the Democrats have a better record with the environment. A better environment, equals more trees, and more trees equals more hot tree sex. These people, however, are a broad-minded group of swing voters, and…FUCK – MY PROBATION OFFICER IS CALLING AND I’M OUT WAY PAST MY CURFEW AND SMOKING CRACK AGAIN – I NEED TO GET HOME -- WE’LL FINISH THIS ANOTHER TIME…


Give me back Bill Clinton.